I find myself thinking about the same thing. When I wake up, I wonder, "what is _____ up to right now? Is _____ awake? I hope _____ slept well." Before I go to sleep, I wonder, "I hope ____ not tossing and turning. I hope _____ had a good day."
Dunno, just being random right now.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Life's A Drag
Nothing but a sequence of mundane events that repeats day to day. A regimented schedule to keep us busy as bee's and as miserable as a vagabond under the sweltering heat. Rarely are do our infinite loops become disturbed by radical events that may change our lives dramatically, or just make us happy for an incredibly short amount of time. I wish my infinite loop can be disturbed. Although, I guess I should be able to halt this flow of what seems to be an endless cycle of me ending up miserable. Who knows what the future holds? Supposedly we do, since our lives are cycles that are rarely interrupted. So, if you look into it not so hard, you can see the future. Hell, just look in your planner (that is if you have one).
Life... the never ending cycle that is finite. I wrote a paper on the meaning of life, where I received a 95/100 for my grade. I was quite pleased, but after that moment that had interrupted my mundane cycle, I found myself walking to my office and wearing the same old name tag that I've been wearing for the past 1 and half years... troubleshooting the same old problems, delivering the same old equipment, receiving complaints from the same old incompetent technology users. I can't help say what every one else is saying, "I can't wait for summer." Just a couple of more weeks, and my cycle will change into something a bit... less depressive, one that allows for more freedom and flexibility. I wonder, when will I finally be able to breathe?
As I stare at the wall in front of me, I see the light of the setting sun casting its glow from behind. Its slowly beginning to dim and lose its orange warmth, I feel in a few seconds the glow will vanish, and I left cold and alone once more.
Hard day at work I tell ya... nothing but running around and helping people out with technology. I guess my bosses and co-workers are happy that I'm one of the few mac users here, otherwise meets with people who own macs would be troublesome. Just saying, I'm quite a valuable resource here at ITCS. Don't get me wrong, I can be almost as incompetent as the next guy, but experience is all that counts, and also a little know how around everything.
Currently, I hunger. Watching the clock wind down until my shift is over and I can drag myself back to my room and microwave a couple of hotdogs and lay them on a cold bed of rice that was made a few hours earlier. Life is grand, or I suppose I should keep to the title of this blog and say, "Life's a drag."
Farewell to you all who actually read my blogs, I hope they have entertained you for the past couple of months. I shall continue writing for as along as I have the need to. But for now, I am weary... famished... and most of all, lonely.
- See you Space Cowboy
Life... the never ending cycle that is finite. I wrote a paper on the meaning of life, where I received a 95/100 for my grade. I was quite pleased, but after that moment that had interrupted my mundane cycle, I found myself walking to my office and wearing the same old name tag that I've been wearing for the past 1 and half years... troubleshooting the same old problems, delivering the same old equipment, receiving complaints from the same old incompetent technology users. I can't help say what every one else is saying, "I can't wait for summer." Just a couple of more weeks, and my cycle will change into something a bit... less depressive, one that allows for more freedom and flexibility. I wonder, when will I finally be able to breathe?
As I stare at the wall in front of me, I see the light of the setting sun casting its glow from behind. Its slowly beginning to dim and lose its orange warmth, I feel in a few seconds the glow will vanish, and I left cold and alone once more.
Hard day at work I tell ya... nothing but running around and helping people out with technology. I guess my bosses and co-workers are happy that I'm one of the few mac users here, otherwise meets with people who own macs would be troublesome. Just saying, I'm quite a valuable resource here at ITCS. Don't get me wrong, I can be almost as incompetent as the next guy, but experience is all that counts, and also a little know how around everything.
Currently, I hunger. Watching the clock wind down until my shift is over and I can drag myself back to my room and microwave a couple of hotdogs and lay them on a cold bed of rice that was made a few hours earlier. Life is grand, or I suppose I should keep to the title of this blog and say, "Life's a drag."
Farewell to you all who actually read my blogs, I hope they have entertained you for the past couple of months. I shall continue writing for as along as I have the need to. But for now, I am weary... famished... and most of all, lonely.
- See you Space Cowboy
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Just A Thought
If I told you one more time that I loved you... how would you react?
What would you say?
Is it futile to try anymore?
What glimmer of hope I have may have diminished its light. I'm sorry for what I've done, being human I can't be perfect. All I can do is try harder next time. I'll try not to fail any more.
Please be happy, I hope you can be happy. Be happy, despite what I may feel. Find your happiness.
I'd hope it could potentially be with me, but that's impossible. I guess we're just incompatible, or I just can't make you happy. Whatever may be the case, let me still be part of your life.
Sorry... feel better... good night... sweet dreams.....
What would you say?
Is it futile to try anymore?
What glimmer of hope I have may have diminished its light. I'm sorry for what I've done, being human I can't be perfect. All I can do is try harder next time. I'll try not to fail any more.
Please be happy, I hope you can be happy. Be happy, despite what I may feel. Find your happiness.
I'd hope it could potentially be with me, but that's impossible. I guess we're just incompatible, or I just can't make you happy. Whatever may be the case, let me still be part of your life.
Sorry... feel better... good night... sweet dreams.....
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Pathetic
That's probably how some people think of me. They would be right in that assumption. All I do is push them away with my self-pity. I guess that's pretty much the only accomplishment I have. I don't know... Sorry. I'll just stop everything, live life as a zombie. Fake all emotions to make it seem that I'm ok. I wish I could rid myself of human emotion.
Good Day
Despite it being a bit slow and confused with plans, today turned out quite good. Had some good times playing LBP, watching some movies, then finally heading over to Alki Beach to soak up some sun and throw a little bit of frisbee. Along with trying to not let a stick fall while digging the sand around it, and being buried semi-knee-deep in sand while small asian girls take pictures next to to make the "illusion" that they are taller.
Afterwards, had a photoshoot with a beautiful setting sun as the background. I always love taking pictures with the sun going down, its always beautiful and I find something very comforting from it. Coming back, with dirty feet from the sand, had a little group shower, 3 pairs of feet in a small shower trying to wash away the dirt from our play at the beach, all the while laughter and screams from asian girls echoing throughout my dorm room. I wonder what my roommate thought in the other side. haha. After being semi-clean, we made our way to the room with a large TV to watch "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind". When all was done we said our goodbyes near Carmen's jizzed up parking spot.
Today was good, just another hangout with friends, can't ask for anything better.
Afterwards, had a photoshoot with a beautiful setting sun as the background. I always love taking pictures with the sun going down, its always beautiful and I find something very comforting from it. Coming back, with dirty feet from the sand, had a little group shower, 3 pairs of feet in a small shower trying to wash away the dirt from our play at the beach, all the while laughter and screams from asian girls echoing throughout my dorm room. I wonder what my roommate thought in the other side. haha. After being semi-clean, we made our way to the room with a large TV to watch "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind". When all was done we said our goodbyes near Carmen's jizzed up parking spot.
Today was good, just another hangout with friends, can't ask for anything better.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Realization
Reason is... its something that I will never have. I will never experience it. I'll always just be by myself. Whatever. I just wish I could change it.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Was it worth it?
Has everything you've done up till now been worth it?
The emotion, the physical pain, the cost... WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
Just to see a smile... to see a hint of a smile... What have you been doing all this time? Have you made a difference at all? How you seem pathetic at this moment, think about what this has defined you as. What are you waiting for? There's nothing there, clearly you can see that right?
"Its like a dream, a dream that I can never wake up from. Before I realized it, that dream ended."
What the hell is wrong with you? Just let go already, quit wasting your time.
- Is it really a waste of time?
What do you think? All comes down to what everything was worth.
- I chose to become sacrificial... I chose to sacrifice what I have just to see that smile, to see happiness.
Stupid is what you are. Nothing but failures ever result in your selfish actions. Just give it up you idiot. Damn you're pathetic. How could you ever face yourself?
- I can't... but then again I do it because I choose to.
Just stop wasting yourself... its not worth it. You're not worth it. You're literally fighting for nothing... nothing at all. You make me laugh, what sidelines are you talking about? There were never any sidelines to begin with. Go ahead, continue wandering this world with your head in the clouds. That's what all your dreams will be, clouds, they will never be down to earth. You think what you're doing is noble and what is good, but you're just being a hypocrite. You preach things that you've never done for yourself. You're a liar. How dare you bring us down to such a level? How low do you plan to bring us down? Just stop it already, enough is enough, I'm sure a point has already been reached, the line has been crossed. Just pathetic... all I can say is that you're pathetic.
Fix yourself already, no one can do it for you, no one can give you validation but yourself. Stop seeking for someone elses validation. It will never work.
Break away why don't you? Why do you force yourself to be where you're at? You have so much potential, so much worth. People can see that, yet you don't. You know you have that potential, but you believe it isn't true all because of.....
- That's just how I am, I don't allow myself to see the best in me, rather I see the worse in myself. I'm never good enough, I can never be good enough, despite all my efforts.
You wonder why you fail... well, here are all the answers, or could it be just a fraction of your messed up world? You sicken me, grow up already. Stop acting like a child. You need to get over yourself. I'm tired, just leave me alone already, deal with your mistakes by yourself. Stop involving me...
The emotion, the physical pain, the cost... WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
Just to see a smile... to see a hint of a smile... What have you been doing all this time? Have you made a difference at all? How you seem pathetic at this moment, think about what this has defined you as. What are you waiting for? There's nothing there, clearly you can see that right?
"Its like a dream, a dream that I can never wake up from. Before I realized it, that dream ended."
What the hell is wrong with you? Just let go already, quit wasting your time.
- Is it really a waste of time?
What do you think? All comes down to what everything was worth.
- I chose to become sacrificial... I chose to sacrifice what I have just to see that smile, to see happiness.
Stupid is what you are. Nothing but failures ever result in your selfish actions. Just give it up you idiot. Damn you're pathetic. How could you ever face yourself?
- I can't... but then again I do it because I choose to.
Just stop wasting yourself... its not worth it. You're not worth it. You're literally fighting for nothing... nothing at all. You make me laugh, what sidelines are you talking about? There were never any sidelines to begin with. Go ahead, continue wandering this world with your head in the clouds. That's what all your dreams will be, clouds, they will never be down to earth. You think what you're doing is noble and what is good, but you're just being a hypocrite. You preach things that you've never done for yourself. You're a liar. How dare you bring us down to such a level? How low do you plan to bring us down? Just stop it already, enough is enough, I'm sure a point has already been reached, the line has been crossed. Just pathetic... all I can say is that you're pathetic.
Fix yourself already, no one can do it for you, no one can give you validation but yourself. Stop seeking for someone elses validation. It will never work.
Break away why don't you? Why do you force yourself to be where you're at? You have so much potential, so much worth. People can see that, yet you don't. You know you have that potential, but you believe it isn't true all because of.....
- That's just how I am, I don't allow myself to see the best in me, rather I see the worse in myself. I'm never good enough, I can never be good enough, despite all my efforts.
You wonder why you fail... well, here are all the answers, or could it be just a fraction of your messed up world? You sicken me, grow up already. Stop acting like a child. You need to get over yourself. I'm tired, just leave me alone already, deal with your mistakes by yourself. Stop involving me...
Meaning of Life
Recently, I had written a paper for my psychology class about the meaning of life. Just a moment ago, under the circumstances, I realized what my meaning of life was, despite the fact that meaning cannot be created according to Dr. Frankl. Maybe its my own way of penance. I don't know, but its something that I feel I need to do. Meh, I'm just talking nonsense.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Motivation and Emotion
The topics for my presentation I will be giving in my psychology class tomorrow. Interesting how I lack one of them and possess a great myriad of the other. This week has just been depressing, one day after another, the days have just flown right by. I am incredible prone to having anxiety attacks and a monsoon of depression. I don't know what's wrong with me, perhaps my endocrine system is way too out of control, and just one emotional stimuli can propagate extreme emotional responses. I currently feel unworthy, plain and simply not good enough. I just feel like I'm not able to move on and forgo what is needed to have success. I don't possess the qualities of someone who can get ahead in the world. Though I may be arrogant, I am no type-A personality, I am not an aggressor.
I am a deep thinker, but apparently not a good one. I can't seem to convey my thoughts in a creative and grammatically correct way.
Lately I've been having instances where I have felt my heart would literally stop. Every time this occurs it increases in the length of how long it lasts. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe my depression is relaying signals to my system making my heart act up. I wonder if I should get help. Would professional help really help my situation?
I guess I'm tired with my life, because I can't seem to make it any better. I don't follow the advice of my friends and of people who know what's right.
Every rain drop that lands on me, my depression gets deeper.
I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up. Someone, please tell me its ok to give up. Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... I can't say it enough. I don't know if it will make things better. How can I make things better?
I just want to roll up and take a fatty nap, maybe that will make me feel better. I just want to scream out loud. Release all this pent up emotion. Take out my bottled aggression on inanimate objects, inflict damage to myself.
Sarili... its what I don't care about.
I am a deep thinker, but apparently not a good one. I can't seem to convey my thoughts in a creative and grammatically correct way.
Lately I've been having instances where I have felt my heart would literally stop. Every time this occurs it increases in the length of how long it lasts. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe my depression is relaying signals to my system making my heart act up. I wonder if I should get help. Would professional help really help my situation?
I guess I'm tired with my life, because I can't seem to make it any better. I don't follow the advice of my friends and of people who know what's right.
Every rain drop that lands on me, my depression gets deeper.
I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up. Someone, please tell me its ok to give up. Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... I can't say it enough. I don't know if it will make things better. How can I make things better?
I just want to roll up and take a fatty nap, maybe that will make me feel better. I just want to scream out loud. Release all this pent up emotion. Take out my bottled aggression on inanimate objects, inflict damage to myself.
Sarili... its what I don't care about.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just Not Cut Out
For anything. I can't even seem to do better on anything. Even when I do try and put the effort, it never pays off. I hate always trying and never getting anything in return. I'm extremely angry at myself for not doing as well as I hoped to. I always lose, I can never win. I'm too stupid, too arrogant, too naive. I guess that's why I fail in life. I just can't seem to do perfect, or get any where near perfect. I'm always ending up below average, and eventually fail. This adds on to my question as to if my life has any significance at all. I don't make anyone happy, I can't even make myself happy. I can't do anything right. I'm always just going to end up failing. I can't seem to succeed any further than below average or failure. I don't know why I haven't just given up yet. Once again, I want to just crawl into a hole and slowly waste away.
I guess this is just another shot to my already nonexistent self-confidence. I suppose I'll just dream away until my next class...
- Not a good day, at all -
I guess this is just another shot to my already nonexistent self-confidence. I suppose I'll just dream away until my next class...
- Not a good day, at all -
Sunday, May 3, 2009
No Sleep
I can't sleep.... 5:21 am on a Sunday, with no work done from the prior day. I'm just sick of living a life that I selfishly feel unsatisfactory about. What am I doing... depression seems to be always by my side.
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