Feels Good

Listening to some old and new music. Finally going to try and listen to all the songs I have.

Learning...

To accept and let go, hard things to do when easily said. Maybe watching star wars III made my eyes open a tad bit. Interesting things you learn from movies.

Its quite cold in my house, good thing I have two blankets to wrap myself in.

I fear my dog will be depressed, again, once I leave back for Seattle.

Sadly enough, it doesn't feel like Christmas.

I suppose I'm looking forward to the new year.

Just because its the new year, does it mean there has to be change?

I want a trapper's hat... so if anyone is going to get me a gift for Christmas, a trapper's hat would be awesome O_o... my head's cold.

Restless............................................ blargh!

Maybe I'll take pictures of my face starting January 1st, and everyday onward, to see how much I will change, always wanted to take on such a project.

It'd be nice to cuddle with someone you like/love in this cold season.

rawr, out-

Another Attack of Insomnia

I feel queasy and my body weak. So far this break has been nothing but negative. Only positive thing I see has been playing MW2 non-stop, but then again that's not a positive is it? I don't know what's up. Breaks always make me depressed. There's never anything to do. No one to hang out with.

My mom has repeatedly reminded me of how old I am, and the fact that I still act as if I was my 14 year old self. What does it mean to be an adult? Do I have to be serious all the time? Do I need to be working all the time? I don't understand what's so wrong with how I act. Maybe because I'm so lazy.................................................................

I just can't have what I want, and I'm too damn attached to let go. Seriously, fml.

Tell me world, is it okay to scream? Is it okay to yell out and let go of this frustration I have for myself? Would any one hear me? If they did, would they care?

The fact that my music sucks doesn't help my mood either... I guess I'm just having another music A.D.D. day.

Solution: I need to find myself some sweet lil' thing to help me cope with my sadness.

Solution: Get over myself.

Solution: Take my own advice.

Solution: Jump off a bridge? Naaah

Solution: Confront it head on while screaming, because screaming makes your stronger :) [drabonball z taught me that]

Solution: Cut the hair and lose some weight.

Solution: Be an asshole... apparently it works.

Solution: Actually wake up before the afternoon and go do something...

Bored and Sad, Never a Good Combination

:(

That's the face I make constantly ever since break started.

Could it be the lack of social interaction (besides hanging out with Theresa, that was fun)?

The amazing amount of boredom I feel during break with nothing to worry about?

Or maybe because I'm sad about a friend that has gone away for the break?

Either way, I'm SAD......

Yesterday, bought a box of frosted sugar cookies, and so far those have been my sustainance for the past day and a half, not healthy, I'm sure.

Got an amazing surprise for my grades this past quarter.

A- in Philosophy

B- in Physics

B- in Ecology

Extremely relieved after seeing those letters, I was freaking out about physics and ecology. I suppose I pulled through in the finals. Thank the Lord, Almighty Jesus :D

Other than that, life has returned to mundane boring, something that is always present during break. *sigh*

I really need a push out the door.

Watching Leaves

Apparently when the leaves change color that's a signal that the season of fall is arriving or has already come. These pass weeks of my life have been going by so fast. There no longer seems to be a slow down button of some sort. It doesn't seem that I can smell the roses any more. What happened to the times when we complained that the days were going by so slow? I suppose they've been replaced by complaints of "where the hell did the week go?"

The human's sense of time is quite an incredible thing. When we are young things seem to go by so slow and that nothing would ever change. A decade or two later we realize how much little time we have, and then we end up seeing the days fly by. If only we were masters of time like Hiro Nakamura, maybe then we'd have enough time to do and say the things we wished to, to be able to fix the wrongs we've committed in the past, to undo the wrong doings.

This quarter I've registered for a philosophy class, described theme as "the soul and the world." Quite the interesting class, so many insights that have been brought to light, thanks to a wonderful professor named MaryLou. Through reading Socrates' first and second speech of love, my has my view of my own life changed. Perhaps this is the change that's been happening with me, who knows. As of late, my mind has been flooded with so many different thoughts that I can't seem to keep up. So many questions that have no answers. One thing that has struck me philosophy class has been the notion of finding the truth. "Truth is not the enemy," it could just be something that we don't want to know, but in reality our souls are aiming for that that truth.

This may not make sense at all. I suppose I'm still trying to figure out what the true me is like. I know I am far off from what Socrates says is the Soul of Temperance, if anything at all, I am that of the Wantonness Soul.

I suppose I've lost my true goal in life amidst all the chaos that is around me. Living in an image of a perfect world. What ever happened to myself? Have all the temptations of life overwhelmed me so much that I have forgotten my aim? Maybe time will tell, when all the world comes to an end for myself.

UUUGHHHH - ness

Sleep early
Work in the morning
Bank after work
UUUUUGHHHHH

Birthday

It was quite the eve of my birthday. I wonder how many people feel a great depression just hours before they turn 20? I guess it may be for different reasons, but its just awful.
It was a fun night, hanging with two awesome people that are in my life. I love them both incredibly. Had a little bit of drinky drinky, some nachos, and some cookie n' creame cake, which the frosting is very sweet making me want to go out now and buy milk, but I'm too tired for that.

I don't know whether its my energy level, or depression, but I feel a bit disconnected from everything. Yes, I was a bit tipsy earlier, but I had enough to eat and drink to think clearly. Just right now, I feel that I'm no longer connected to myself, that I feel like I'm no living. That I'm making a mess of myself and all I can do is watch.

I've done awful things, unintentionally. I'm an idiot that can't seem to understand how people feel. An insensitive idiot, that pretty much sums it up.
I wonder what good I've done or what good I've been these past 20 years. 2 decades, amazing. Do my good deeds out-weigh my bad ones?
It sucks feeling down on your birthday, but its stupid since there are places out there that do not even celebrate their date of birth. I sort of wish I had a large group of friends hanging out and laughing out loud, just as loud as the people across my apartment complex. Such a pessimistic view. I should just pass out and stop thinking, that might be best.

Good night.