Monday, May 18, 2009
Realization
Reason is... its something that I will never have. I will never experience it. I'll always just be by myself. Whatever. I just wish I could change it.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Was it worth it?
Has everything you've done up till now been worth it?
The emotion, the physical pain, the cost... WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
Just to see a smile... to see a hint of a smile... What have you been doing all this time? Have you made a difference at all? How you seem pathetic at this moment, think about what this has defined you as. What are you waiting for? There's nothing there, clearly you can see that right?
"Its like a dream, a dream that I can never wake up from. Before I realized it, that dream ended."
What the hell is wrong with you? Just let go already, quit wasting your time.
- Is it really a waste of time?
What do you think? All comes down to what everything was worth.
- I chose to become sacrificial... I chose to sacrifice what I have just to see that smile, to see happiness.
Stupid is what you are. Nothing but failures ever result in your selfish actions. Just give it up you idiot. Damn you're pathetic. How could you ever face yourself?
- I can't... but then again I do it because I choose to.
Just stop wasting yourself... its not worth it. You're not worth it. You're literally fighting for nothing... nothing at all. You make me laugh, what sidelines are you talking about? There were never any sidelines to begin with. Go ahead, continue wandering this world with your head in the clouds. That's what all your dreams will be, clouds, they will never be down to earth. You think what you're doing is noble and what is good, but you're just being a hypocrite. You preach things that you've never done for yourself. You're a liar. How dare you bring us down to such a level? How low do you plan to bring us down? Just stop it already, enough is enough, I'm sure a point has already been reached, the line has been crossed. Just pathetic... all I can say is that you're pathetic.
Fix yourself already, no one can do it for you, no one can give you validation but yourself. Stop seeking for someone elses validation. It will never work.
Break away why don't you? Why do you force yourself to be where you're at? You have so much potential, so much worth. People can see that, yet you don't. You know you have that potential, but you believe it isn't true all because of.....
- That's just how I am, I don't allow myself to see the best in me, rather I see the worse in myself. I'm never good enough, I can never be good enough, despite all my efforts.
You wonder why you fail... well, here are all the answers, or could it be just a fraction of your messed up world? You sicken me, grow up already. Stop acting like a child. You need to get over yourself. I'm tired, just leave me alone already, deal with your mistakes by yourself. Stop involving me...
The emotion, the physical pain, the cost... WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
Just to see a smile... to see a hint of a smile... What have you been doing all this time? Have you made a difference at all? How you seem pathetic at this moment, think about what this has defined you as. What are you waiting for? There's nothing there, clearly you can see that right?
"Its like a dream, a dream that I can never wake up from. Before I realized it, that dream ended."
What the hell is wrong with you? Just let go already, quit wasting your time.
- Is it really a waste of time?
What do you think? All comes down to what everything was worth.
- I chose to become sacrificial... I chose to sacrifice what I have just to see that smile, to see happiness.
Stupid is what you are. Nothing but failures ever result in your selfish actions. Just give it up you idiot. Damn you're pathetic. How could you ever face yourself?
- I can't... but then again I do it because I choose to.
Just stop wasting yourself... its not worth it. You're not worth it. You're literally fighting for nothing... nothing at all. You make me laugh, what sidelines are you talking about? There were never any sidelines to begin with. Go ahead, continue wandering this world with your head in the clouds. That's what all your dreams will be, clouds, they will never be down to earth. You think what you're doing is noble and what is good, but you're just being a hypocrite. You preach things that you've never done for yourself. You're a liar. How dare you bring us down to such a level? How low do you plan to bring us down? Just stop it already, enough is enough, I'm sure a point has already been reached, the line has been crossed. Just pathetic... all I can say is that you're pathetic.
Fix yourself already, no one can do it for you, no one can give you validation but yourself. Stop seeking for someone elses validation. It will never work.
Break away why don't you? Why do you force yourself to be where you're at? You have so much potential, so much worth. People can see that, yet you don't. You know you have that potential, but you believe it isn't true all because of.....
- That's just how I am, I don't allow myself to see the best in me, rather I see the worse in myself. I'm never good enough, I can never be good enough, despite all my efforts.
You wonder why you fail... well, here are all the answers, or could it be just a fraction of your messed up world? You sicken me, grow up already. Stop acting like a child. You need to get over yourself. I'm tired, just leave me alone already, deal with your mistakes by yourself. Stop involving me...
Meaning of Life
Recently, I had written a paper for my psychology class about the meaning of life. Just a moment ago, under the circumstances, I realized what my meaning of life was, despite the fact that meaning cannot be created according to Dr. Frankl. Maybe its my own way of penance. I don't know, but its something that I feel I need to do. Meh, I'm just talking nonsense.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Motivation and Emotion
The topics for my presentation I will be giving in my psychology class tomorrow. Interesting how I lack one of them and possess a great myriad of the other. This week has just been depressing, one day after another, the days have just flown right by. I am incredible prone to having anxiety attacks and a monsoon of depression. I don't know what's wrong with me, perhaps my endocrine system is way too out of control, and just one emotional stimuli can propagate extreme emotional responses. I currently feel unworthy, plain and simply not good enough. I just feel like I'm not able to move on and forgo what is needed to have success. I don't possess the qualities of someone who can get ahead in the world. Though I may be arrogant, I am no type-A personality, I am not an aggressor.
I am a deep thinker, but apparently not a good one. I can't seem to convey my thoughts in a creative and grammatically correct way.
Lately I've been having instances where I have felt my heart would literally stop. Every time this occurs it increases in the length of how long it lasts. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe my depression is relaying signals to my system making my heart act up. I wonder if I should get help. Would professional help really help my situation?
I guess I'm tired with my life, because I can't seem to make it any better. I don't follow the advice of my friends and of people who know what's right.
Every rain drop that lands on me, my depression gets deeper.
I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up. Someone, please tell me its ok to give up. Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... I can't say it enough. I don't know if it will make things better. How can I make things better?
I just want to roll up and take a fatty nap, maybe that will make me feel better. I just want to scream out loud. Release all this pent up emotion. Take out my bottled aggression on inanimate objects, inflict damage to myself.
Sarili... its what I don't care about.
I am a deep thinker, but apparently not a good one. I can't seem to convey my thoughts in a creative and grammatically correct way.
Lately I've been having instances where I have felt my heart would literally stop. Every time this occurs it increases in the length of how long it lasts. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe my depression is relaying signals to my system making my heart act up. I wonder if I should get help. Would professional help really help my situation?
I guess I'm tired with my life, because I can't seem to make it any better. I don't follow the advice of my friends and of people who know what's right.
Every rain drop that lands on me, my depression gets deeper.
I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up. Someone, please tell me its ok to give up. Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... I can't say it enough. I don't know if it will make things better. How can I make things better?
I just want to roll up and take a fatty nap, maybe that will make me feel better. I just want to scream out loud. Release all this pent up emotion. Take out my bottled aggression on inanimate objects, inflict damage to myself.
Sarili... its what I don't care about.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just Not Cut Out
For anything. I can't even seem to do better on anything. Even when I do try and put the effort, it never pays off. I hate always trying and never getting anything in return. I'm extremely angry at myself for not doing as well as I hoped to. I always lose, I can never win. I'm too stupid, too arrogant, too naive. I guess that's why I fail in life. I just can't seem to do perfect, or get any where near perfect. I'm always ending up below average, and eventually fail. This adds on to my question as to if my life has any significance at all. I don't make anyone happy, I can't even make myself happy. I can't do anything right. I'm always just going to end up failing. I can't seem to succeed any further than below average or failure. I don't know why I haven't just given up yet. Once again, I want to just crawl into a hole and slowly waste away.
I guess this is just another shot to my already nonexistent self-confidence. I suppose I'll just dream away until my next class...
- Not a good day, at all -
I guess this is just another shot to my already nonexistent self-confidence. I suppose I'll just dream away until my next class...
- Not a good day, at all -
Sunday, May 3, 2009
No Sleep
I can't sleep.... 5:21 am on a Sunday, with no work done from the prior day. I'm just sick of living a life that I selfishly feel unsatisfactory about. What am I doing... depression seems to be always by my side.
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