How does it happen?

How does a person grow to love someone else?
The phenomenon is still confusing to me. I suppose its because I myself have not felt that emotion people have tried to describe to me when they first find their special person. A person, who I feel that is close to me, once tried to describe this emotion. I suppose the way she tried to was in a sense "indescribable" and I guess that's how the feeling is, "indescribable." But the effects of such an indescribable feeling is was quite clear. No matter how far away, how long it takes, the person who has fallen under this spell of an "indescribable" feeling will always, in some way, miss that person. Taking a step back, what does it mean to miss someone? Dictionary.com defines "Miss" in its sixth entry as, " to regret the absence or loss of: I miss you all dreadfully." I suppose "to miss" someone is to have a feeling of loss, to have a feeling of incompleteness. But if I don't have someone that I miss, then why do I feel that way all the time?
When she had tried to describe the feeling when she had met her special person, she was out of words. Most of the time when she described it she moved her hands a lot and just tried to say the right thing, but was not able to nail the correct description. In the end all she could say was that the feeling she experience was love.
I can't say for sure if I've ever felt love... love for another person intimately. Maybe I have, but it was never reciprocated back, and so I never felt the emotion of "love" completely.
So, I guess a question I've probably asking too many times I care to remember is: what does it mean to love? Is love just a meaningless human emotion concocted by chemical reactions within our bodies and minds? Is to love to be human? What is the connection between love and hate, are they just one in the same but from different sides? ...Why can't I be loved?...

I've put myself out there far too many times. Do I regret it? I think I do. If it was not for being let down and shot down all those times, maybe I would not be the way I am now? I guess it all stems from what my friend told me in a reply to a letter I had sent: "you shouldn't rush things." Plain and simple... but for some reason I've never been able to slow things down. What is wrong with me? Why do I rush things? Why am I so focused on finding my special person now? Should I not be focused more on my future and academics? I wonder if there are others like me who feel and question like I do. Maybe I would not feel as alone, but maybe it won't have any effect at all. Why am I such a failure at love?
Is it because I have a low-selfesteem? But all people do, in some way. Is it because I'm physically unattractive? That's probably the most accurate. Is it because I end up being friends? I thought it was a good thing to be friends, if not best friends, with the one you love? A friend told me, after all, her special person was her best friend... and that's how they grew to love each other, was after being best friends. I just don't understand it anymore. I can't stand it. After thinking of everything I just want to yell out loud, "FUCK IT ALL, FUCK LIFE, FUCK ME... fuck love..."

Where will my life lead? Will I forever wander alone? Never to feel the warmth of another's touch... never to experience the full embrace of someone's love. If this will be the case, then what worth is my life, what meaning does it possess, what potential do I have if I can not share myself completely, why do I fail at love?

Tonight, let me embrace the cold void in which no love exists. For it shall be the only place I'm accepted.

All I can say is, "I'm sorry..." But it will never be enough, nor will I ever be enough.

Ingats lagi...