Just a Few More Hours

Until I am subjected to prove my knowledge of literary texts my class has gone over the past 10 weeks. I can't seem to concentrate much, even in the library. I suppose its because I have too much on my mind.
Maybe I'll diverge the topic and talk about something else that has plagued my mind.
What will she have me do? Grovel at her feet and tell her what she wishes?
I wish I'm able to make her smile and laugh. I suppose I wasn't the one meant to do that for her. Instead, I'm at the sidelines, watching and being only sent in when necessary. I look around me and see ow many people are lucky to have another by their side. Someone to make them happy when they feel sad. I wish I had that capability, at least to her. I suppose the best I can be to her is a brother figure than anything else, but even with that role I feel I fail no matter what I do. I suppose what really hurts the most is when she asks my opinion about him. I don't know if she knows, nor do I care if she does, that when she asks me these questions I feel an incredible emotion of loss. As if something was taken from me and left a gaping hole never to be filled by anything else but what was taken. Interesting how I start to use literary mechanics in this blog when I should be studying diligently about said literary mechanics. I guess that's a sign of a bad student.
I don't know what it is about her. I try to accept and get over. But I suppose what draws me in is her innocent smile, even though I know the malcontent behind that smile. In all honesty, when I do get to gaze on that smile, a part of that emptiness fills in. But then I remember that her smiles are for someone else, and no other. Realizing the facts that I am no longer included in her memories of happiness. Instead, I am the memory that is swept underneath the rug, the memory that is kept in the back, never to be remembered again, to always be forgotten. In the end, I can't let go, no matter how hard I try. The memories will never cease.
I wonder when my chance will come? Maybe my chance has come many times, but I failed to see.
Aside from anything else, I wonder if I'll pass... I know I must, but I can't seem to get the lazy monkey off my back. I sit here in the library, munching on my lone rice crispy treat from the school cafeteria, just trying to go over all that we have talked about in English 120.
When will it end?



Ingats lagi...