UUUGHHHH - ness

Sleep early
Work in the morning
Bank after work
UUUUUGHHHHH

Birthday

It was quite the eve of my birthday. I wonder how many people feel a great depression just hours before they turn 20? I guess it may be for different reasons, but its just awful.
It was a fun night, hanging with two awesome people that are in my life. I love them both incredibly. Had a little bit of drinky drinky, some nachos, and some cookie n' creame cake, which the frosting is very sweet making me want to go out now and buy milk, but I'm too tired for that.

I don't know whether its my energy level, or depression, but I feel a bit disconnected from everything. Yes, I was a bit tipsy earlier, but I had enough to eat and drink to think clearly. Just right now, I feel that I'm no longer connected to myself, that I feel like I'm no living. That I'm making a mess of myself and all I can do is watch.

I've done awful things, unintentionally. I'm an idiot that can't seem to understand how people feel. An insensitive idiot, that pretty much sums it up.
I wonder what good I've done or what good I've been these past 20 years. 2 decades, amazing. Do my good deeds out-weigh my bad ones?
It sucks feeling down on your birthday, but its stupid since there are places out there that do not even celebrate their date of birth. I sort of wish I had a large group of friends hanging out and laughing out loud, just as loud as the people across my apartment complex. Such a pessimistic view. I should just pass out and stop thinking, that might be best.

Good night.

Where's My Reset Button?

Today started out to be a good day, but I guess events from the days before and a whole bunch of other things that have been piling on have just gotten to me.
Trying to take a nap in my own apartment is impossible.
- Stupid dumpster trucks and loud people outside as well as the occasional car bumping loud beats.
Another thing that has been irritating me quite a lot ever since I decided to move here was the fact that the internet keeps on getting slow, way too slow for my taste. I'm not paying $35 a month for shit internet. I just don't understand what's going on.
My life... is good, but I find it lacking quality that I expect for what's being given.
In my gut and in my heard I just want to jump out of my window. So then maybe something might break this mundane life of mine.
I find myself in a gloomy state every day. I don't know what makes me happy.
I don't know if I can be happy anymore. When I'm happy I'm ridiculed by it, I'm annoying, and obnoxious. So what is there left for me to become if I can't be happy?
I wish I could... I don't know. I don't know what I even want to wish for anymore.
No one listens, no one understands.
I guess what I want to do is scream out loud and just sleep forever. I think that's what will make me happy, is if I can sleep forever. Sleeping so far has been the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? My personality and thought process is so messed up. What have I gone through to end up the way I am?
Can I just trade lives for a few weeks with someone else? Although, we all know how stories like that end, I'll end up regretting the change and want to go back to my old life.
I just want to leave it all.


















I give up... but I don't know how to give up. That's my problem, or I guess that's a problem for many of us.












I tried the facial-expression theory many times this week. Worked briefly, but I'll end up finding myself in a gloomy mood soon after.

Tired... don't want to type anymore.

Today

I wish I was able to write creatively ... well, here goes.
Woke up this morning had a feeling that it would be an ordinary day as usual, going through the motions basically. I started off with laying in bed for a good solid 15 minutes while pretending to sleep until my roommate had left the apartment to go attend his class. I got up, grunted then sighed a little, trudged over to the bathroom while picking up clothes from my laundry basket that contained fresh unfolded clothing. Made out of the shower I made an excellent breakfast, cheerios with a side of nutella on toast and a short glass of milk, it was delicious. Packed my things and grabbed all my necessities to head out for the day.
With a smile on my face and my body aching from events yesterday, I walked to Seattle Central to attend my Cultural Anthropology class. Today was a great day in class, like the previous day the class was quite lively as our professor continued to answer our questions for her as well as doing the activity of getting to know each person in the class. Going into concentric circles asking each other questions that were given to us by the professor. I got to speak to a few people in the class, but how diverse each person was. Each person I talked to was incredibly different from the other; the way they spoke, their looks, their backgrounds, almost everything. It was the quite the experience and I was eager to speak to as many people as I could. I hope I'll be able to remember their names when the time comes.
After leaving class with a smile on my face I contacted my good friend Alex Sanchez to see if we were still a go on our plans for corned beef. Indeed we were, and indeed we made some amazing corned beef. It was quite the amazing feast which I was glad to share with ms. Sanchez and her friend Christopher. After chowing down on some watermelon (perfect summer fruit, other than mango of course) headed over with some left overs to Rachel's so she may also partake in the enjoyment of devouring some "gourmet" red meats. As always, it was great hanging out with her for the last part of my day, sipping on some Ramune drink and reading a good book before departing.
Now, I sit here in my two-walled room in my apartment while procrastinating on the little homework I have that is due tomorrow. *chuckles*
Night to the world, and to you who reads this.

So Far,

Things seem to be going well, I guess. Well enough that life doesn't seem so bad at this point. Just the normal bumps in the road, nothing too serious I guess. Just trying to get by in the world and make something out of myself worth while. Lately, in my new apartment, I've been staring out the window wondering about nothing... blankly staring out there as if I was waiting for something or something to happen. I wonder what the something is. Maybe I'm hoping for something. Oh well, life is good, only a few struggles here and there, nothing that I can't handle without some help from close people.

Ughhh.....

Apparently I can't speak to beautiful women who I don't know...
Here's what happened just a an hour or so ago:
As i was going back to my room from the kitchen at my dorm to return a box of blueberry pancake mix I passed by this girl who lives on my floor. Now, this girl is really beautiful... this entire year I've been living in my residence hall I've wanted to at least say hi while we passed by, but I've never had the balls to do so. There was one time where I actually talked to her, but that was when I was looking for her roommate, one of my friends, so I could offer her musubi. I ended up giving her one too, so I think that was cool lol. Back to my awkward moment, as I walked pass by her I looked at her for a brief moment and then as she looked back I turned away, but then, curious as I am, I went back for a second look and I see her giving me a small smile. AHHHHH. XD
Damn, she's so cute/beautiful. Ugh man, I was so lame lol. I seriously can't talk to beautiful girls like her, I'm just too intimidated and awkward. 2 years ago, I probably would have said something, but I guess my self-confidence has been so shot down I don't have the courage anymore.
It sucks now since its the end of the year and I don't I'll see her for a while or even at all next year, I guess I've missed out on my chance to get to know a great person. Poops. Oh well, life goes on ya?

Ingats.

Every Morning, Every Night

I find myself thinking about the same thing. When I wake up, I wonder, "what is _____ up to right now? Is _____ awake? I hope _____ slept well." Before I go to sleep, I wonder, "I hope ____ not tossing and turning. I hope _____ had a good day."
Dunno, just being random right now.