Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Feels Good
Listening to some old and new music. Finally going to try and listen to all the songs I have.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Learning...
To accept and let go, hard things to do when easily said. Maybe watching star wars III made my eyes open a tad bit. Interesting things you learn from movies.
Its quite cold in my house, good thing I have two blankets to wrap myself in.
I fear my dog will be depressed, again, once I leave back for Seattle.
Sadly enough, it doesn't feel like Christmas.
I suppose I'm looking forward to the new year.
Just because its the new year, does it mean there has to be change?
I want a trapper's hat... so if anyone is going to get me a gift for Christmas, a trapper's hat would be awesome O_o... my head's cold.
Restless............................................ blargh!
Maybe I'll take pictures of my face starting January 1st, and everyday onward, to see how much I will change, always wanted to take on such a project.
It'd be nice to cuddle with someone you like/love in this cold season.
rawr, out-
Monday, December 21, 2009
Another Attack of Insomnia
I feel queasy and my body weak. So far this break has been nothing but negative. Only positive thing I see has been playing MW2 non-stop, but then again that's not a positive is it? I don't know what's up. Breaks always make me depressed. There's never anything to do. No one to hang out with.
My mom has repeatedly reminded me of how old I am, and the fact that I still act as if I was my 14 year old self. What does it mean to be an adult? Do I have to be serious all the time? Do I need to be working all the time? I don't understand what's so wrong with how I act. Maybe because I'm so lazy.................................................................
I just can't have what I want, and I'm too damn attached to let go. Seriously, fml.
Tell me world, is it okay to scream? Is it okay to yell out and let go of this frustration I have for myself? Would any one hear me? If they did, would they care?
The fact that my music sucks doesn't help my mood either... I guess I'm just having another music A.D.D. day.
Solution: I need to find myself some sweet lil' thing to help me cope with my sadness.
Solution: Get over myself.
Solution: Take my own advice.
Solution: Jump off a bridge? Naaah
Solution: Confront it head on while screaming, because screaming makes your stronger :) [drabonball z taught me that]
Solution: Cut the hair and lose some weight.
Solution: Be an asshole... apparently it works.
Solution: Actually wake up before the afternoon and go do something...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Bored and Sad, Never a Good Combination
:(
That's the face I make constantly ever since break started.
Could it be the lack of social interaction (besides hanging out with Theresa, that was fun)?
The amazing amount of boredom I feel during break with nothing to worry about?
Or maybe because I'm sad about a friend that has gone away for the break?
Either way, I'm SAD......
Yesterday, bought a box of frosted sugar cookies, and so far those have been my sustainance for the past day and a half, not healthy, I'm sure.
Got an amazing surprise for my grades this past quarter.
A- in Philosophy
B- in Physics
B- in Ecology
Extremely relieved after seeing those letters, I was freaking out about physics and ecology. I suppose I pulled through in the finals. Thank the Lord, Almighty Jesus :D
Other than that, life has returned to mundane boring, something that is always present during break. *sigh*
I really need a push out the door.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Watching Leaves
Apparently when the leaves change color that's a signal that the season of fall is arriving or has already come. These pass weeks of my life have been going by so fast. There no longer seems to be a slow down button of some sort. It doesn't seem that I can smell the roses any more. What happened to the times when we complained that the days were going by so slow? I suppose they've been replaced by complaints of "where the hell did the week go?"
The human's sense of time is quite an incredible thing. When we are young things seem to go by so slow and that nothing would ever change. A decade or two later we realize how much little time we have, and then we end up seeing the days fly by. If only we were masters of time like Hiro Nakamura, maybe then we'd have enough time to do and say the things we wished to, to be able to fix the wrongs we've committed in the past, to undo the wrong doings.
This quarter I've registered for a philosophy class, described theme as "the soul and the world." Quite the interesting class, so many insights that have been brought to light, thanks to a wonderful professor named MaryLou. Through reading Socrates' first and second speech of love, my has my view of my own life changed. Perhaps this is the change that's been happening with me, who knows. As of late, my mind has been flooded with so many different thoughts that I can't seem to keep up. So many questions that have no answers. One thing that has struck me philosophy class has been the notion of finding the truth. "Truth is not the enemy," it could just be something that we don't want to know, but in reality our souls are aiming for that that truth.
This may not make sense at all. I suppose I'm still trying to figure out what the true me is like. I know I am far off from what Socrates says is the Soul of Temperance, if anything at all, I am that of the Wantonness Soul.
I suppose I've lost my true goal in life amidst all the chaos that is around me. Living in an image of a perfect world. What ever happened to myself? Have all the temptations of life overwhelmed me so much that I have forgotten my aim? Maybe time will tell, when all the world comes to an end for myself.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Birthday
It was quite the eve of my birthday. I wonder how many people feel a great depression just hours before they turn 20? I guess it may be for different reasons, but its just awful.
It was a fun night, hanging with two awesome people that are in my life. I love them both incredibly. Had a little bit of drinky drinky, some nachos, and some cookie n' creame cake, which the frosting is very sweet making me want to go out now and buy milk, but I'm too tired for that.
I don't know whether its my energy level, or depression, but I feel a bit disconnected from everything. Yes, I was a bit tipsy earlier, but I had enough to eat and drink to think clearly. Just right now, I feel that I'm no longer connected to myself, that I feel like I'm no living. That I'm making a mess of myself and all I can do is watch.
I've done awful things, unintentionally. I'm an idiot that can't seem to understand how people feel. An insensitive idiot, that pretty much sums it up.
I wonder what good I've done or what good I've been these past 20 years. 2 decades, amazing. Do my good deeds out-weigh my bad ones?
It sucks feeling down on your birthday, but its stupid since there are places out there that do not even celebrate their date of birth. I sort of wish I had a large group of friends hanging out and laughing out loud, just as loud as the people across my apartment complex. Such a pessimistic view. I should just pass out and stop thinking, that might be best.
Good night.
It was a fun night, hanging with two awesome people that are in my life. I love them both incredibly. Had a little bit of drinky drinky, some nachos, and some cookie n' creame cake, which the frosting is very sweet making me want to go out now and buy milk, but I'm too tired for that.
I don't know whether its my energy level, or depression, but I feel a bit disconnected from everything. Yes, I was a bit tipsy earlier, but I had enough to eat and drink to think clearly. Just right now, I feel that I'm no longer connected to myself, that I feel like I'm no living. That I'm making a mess of myself and all I can do is watch.
I've done awful things, unintentionally. I'm an idiot that can't seem to understand how people feel. An insensitive idiot, that pretty much sums it up.
I wonder what good I've done or what good I've been these past 20 years. 2 decades, amazing. Do my good deeds out-weigh my bad ones?
It sucks feeling down on your birthday, but its stupid since there are places out there that do not even celebrate their date of birth. I sort of wish I had a large group of friends hanging out and laughing out loud, just as loud as the people across my apartment complex. Such a pessimistic view. I should just pass out and stop thinking, that might be best.
Good night.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Where's My Reset Button?
Today started out to be a good day, but I guess events from the days before and a whole bunch of other things that have been piling on have just gotten to me.
Trying to take a nap in my own apartment is impossible.
- Stupid dumpster trucks and loud people outside as well as the occasional car bumping loud beats.
Another thing that has been irritating me quite a lot ever since I decided to move here was the fact that the internet keeps on getting slow, way too slow for my taste. I'm not paying $35 a month for shit internet. I just don't understand what's going on.
My life... is good, but I find it lacking quality that I expect for what's being given.
In my gut and in my heard I just want to jump out of my window. So then maybe something might break this mundane life of mine.
I find myself in a gloomy state every day. I don't know what makes me happy.
I don't know if I can be happy anymore. When I'm happy I'm ridiculed by it, I'm annoying, and obnoxious. So what is there left for me to become if I can't be happy?
I wish I could... I don't know. I don't know what I even want to wish for anymore.
No one listens, no one understands.
I guess what I want to do is scream out loud and just sleep forever. I think that's what will make me happy, is if I can sleep forever. Sleeping so far has been the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? My personality and thought process is so messed up. What have I gone through to end up the way I am?
Can I just trade lives for a few weeks with someone else? Although, we all know how stories like that end, I'll end up regretting the change and want to go back to my old life.
I just want to leave it all.
I give up... but I don't know how to give up. That's my problem, or I guess that's a problem for many of us.
I tried the facial-expression theory many times this week. Worked briefly, but I'll end up finding myself in a gloomy mood soon after.
Tired... don't want to type anymore.
Trying to take a nap in my own apartment is impossible.
- Stupid dumpster trucks and loud people outside as well as the occasional car bumping loud beats.
Another thing that has been irritating me quite a lot ever since I decided to move here was the fact that the internet keeps on getting slow, way too slow for my taste. I'm not paying $35 a month for shit internet. I just don't understand what's going on.
My life... is good, but I find it lacking quality that I expect for what's being given.
In my gut and in my heard I just want to jump out of my window. So then maybe something might break this mundane life of mine.
I find myself in a gloomy state every day. I don't know what makes me happy.
I don't know if I can be happy anymore. When I'm happy I'm ridiculed by it, I'm annoying, and obnoxious. So what is there left for me to become if I can't be happy?
I wish I could... I don't know. I don't know what I even want to wish for anymore.
No one listens, no one understands.
I guess what I want to do is scream out loud and just sleep forever. I think that's what will make me happy, is if I can sleep forever. Sleeping so far has been the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? My personality and thought process is so messed up. What have I gone through to end up the way I am?
Can I just trade lives for a few weeks with someone else? Although, we all know how stories like that end, I'll end up regretting the change and want to go back to my old life.
I just want to leave it all.
I give up... but I don't know how to give up. That's my problem, or I guess that's a problem for many of us.
I tried the facial-expression theory many times this week. Worked briefly, but I'll end up finding myself in a gloomy mood soon after.
Tired... don't want to type anymore.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Today
I wish I was able to write creatively ... well, here goes.
Woke up this morning had a feeling that it would be an ordinary day as usual, going through the motions basically. I started off with laying in bed for a good solid 15 minutes while pretending to sleep until my roommate had left the apartment to go attend his class. I got up, grunted then sighed a little, trudged over to the bathroom while picking up clothes from my laundry basket that contained fresh unfolded clothing. Made out of the shower I made an excellent breakfast, cheerios with a side of nutella on toast and a short glass of milk, it was delicious. Packed my things and grabbed all my necessities to head out for the day.
With a smile on my face and my body aching from events yesterday, I walked to Seattle Central to attend my Cultural Anthropology class. Today was a great day in class, like the previous day the class was quite lively as our professor continued to answer our questions for her as well as doing the activity of getting to know each person in the class. Going into concentric circles asking each other questions that were given to us by the professor. I got to speak to a few people in the class, but how diverse each person was. Each person I talked to was incredibly different from the other; the way they spoke, their looks, their backgrounds, almost everything. It was the quite the experience and I was eager to speak to as many people as I could. I hope I'll be able to remember their names when the time comes.
After leaving class with a smile on my face I contacted my good friend Alex Sanchez to see if we were still a go on our plans for corned beef. Indeed we were, and indeed we made some amazing corned beef. It was quite the amazing feast which I was glad to share with ms. Sanchez and her friend Christopher. After chowing down on some watermelon (perfect summer fruit, other than mango of course) headed over with some left overs to Rachel's so she may also partake in the enjoyment of devouring some "gourmet" red meats. As always, it was great hanging out with her for the last part of my day, sipping on some Ramune drink and reading a good book before departing.
Now, I sit here in my two-walled room in my apartment while procrastinating on the little homework I have that is due tomorrow. *chuckles*
Night to the world, and to you who reads this.
Woke up this morning had a feeling that it would be an ordinary day as usual, going through the motions basically. I started off with laying in bed for a good solid 15 minutes while pretending to sleep until my roommate had left the apartment to go attend his class. I got up, grunted then sighed a little, trudged over to the bathroom while picking up clothes from my laundry basket that contained fresh unfolded clothing. Made out of the shower I made an excellent breakfast, cheerios with a side of nutella on toast and a short glass of milk, it was delicious. Packed my things and grabbed all my necessities to head out for the day.
With a smile on my face and my body aching from events yesterday, I walked to Seattle Central to attend my Cultural Anthropology class. Today was a great day in class, like the previous day the class was quite lively as our professor continued to answer our questions for her as well as doing the activity of getting to know each person in the class. Going into concentric circles asking each other questions that were given to us by the professor. I got to speak to a few people in the class, but how diverse each person was. Each person I talked to was incredibly different from the other; the way they spoke, their looks, their backgrounds, almost everything. It was the quite the experience and I was eager to speak to as many people as I could. I hope I'll be able to remember their names when the time comes.
After leaving class with a smile on my face I contacted my good friend Alex Sanchez to see if we were still a go on our plans for corned beef. Indeed we were, and indeed we made some amazing corned beef. It was quite the amazing feast which I was glad to share with ms. Sanchez and her friend Christopher. After chowing down on some watermelon (perfect summer fruit, other than mango of course) headed over with some left overs to Rachel's so she may also partake in the enjoyment of devouring some "gourmet" red meats. As always, it was great hanging out with her for the last part of my day, sipping on some Ramune drink and reading a good book before departing.
Now, I sit here in my two-walled room in my apartment while procrastinating on the little homework I have that is due tomorrow. *chuckles*
Night to the world, and to you who reads this.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
So Far,
Things seem to be going well, I guess. Well enough that life doesn't seem so bad at this point. Just the normal bumps in the road, nothing too serious I guess. Just trying to get by in the world and make something out of myself worth while. Lately, in my new apartment, I've been staring out the window wondering about nothing... blankly staring out there as if I was waiting for something or something to happen. I wonder what the something is. Maybe I'm hoping for something. Oh well, life is good, only a few struggles here and there, nothing that I can't handle without some help from close people.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Ughhh.....
Apparently I can't speak to beautiful women who I don't know...
Here's what happened just a an hour or so ago:
As i was going back to my room from the kitchen at my dorm to return a box of blueberry pancake mix I passed by this girl who lives on my floor. Now, this girl is really beautiful... this entire year I've been living in my residence hall I've wanted to at least say hi while we passed by, but I've never had the balls to do so. There was one time where I actually talked to her, but that was when I was looking for her roommate, one of my friends, so I could offer her musubi. I ended up giving her one too, so I think that was cool lol. Back to my awkward moment, as I walked pass by her I looked at her for a brief moment and then as she looked back I turned away, but then, curious as I am, I went back for a second look and I see her giving me a small smile. AHHHHH. XD
Damn, she's so cute/beautiful. Ugh man, I was so lame lol. I seriously can't talk to beautiful girls like her, I'm just too intimidated and awkward. 2 years ago, I probably would have said something, but I guess my self-confidence has been so shot down I don't have the courage anymore.
It sucks now since its the end of the year and I don't I'll see her for a while or even at all next year, I guess I've missed out on my chance to get to know a great person. Poops. Oh well, life goes on ya?
Ingats.
Here's what happened just a an hour or so ago:
As i was going back to my room from the kitchen at my dorm to return a box of blueberry pancake mix I passed by this girl who lives on my floor. Now, this girl is really beautiful... this entire year I've been living in my residence hall I've wanted to at least say hi while we passed by, but I've never had the balls to do so. There was one time where I actually talked to her, but that was when I was looking for her roommate, one of my friends, so I could offer her musubi. I ended up giving her one too, so I think that was cool lol. Back to my awkward moment, as I walked pass by her I looked at her for a brief moment and then as she looked back I turned away, but then, curious as I am, I went back for a second look and I see her giving me a small smile. AHHHHH. XD
Damn, she's so cute/beautiful. Ugh man, I was so lame lol. I seriously can't talk to beautiful girls like her, I'm just too intimidated and awkward. 2 years ago, I probably would have said something, but I guess my self-confidence has been so shot down I don't have the courage anymore.
It sucks now since its the end of the year and I don't I'll see her for a while or even at all next year, I guess I've missed out on my chance to get to know a great person. Poops. Oh well, life goes on ya?
Ingats.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Every Morning, Every Night
I find myself thinking about the same thing. When I wake up, I wonder, "what is _____ up to right now? Is _____ awake? I hope _____ slept well." Before I go to sleep, I wonder, "I hope ____ not tossing and turning. I hope _____ had a good day."
Dunno, just being random right now.
Dunno, just being random right now.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Life's A Drag
Nothing but a sequence of mundane events that repeats day to day. A regimented schedule to keep us busy as bee's and as miserable as a vagabond under the sweltering heat. Rarely are do our infinite loops become disturbed by radical events that may change our lives dramatically, or just make us happy for an incredibly short amount of time. I wish my infinite loop can be disturbed. Although, I guess I should be able to halt this flow of what seems to be an endless cycle of me ending up miserable. Who knows what the future holds? Supposedly we do, since our lives are cycles that are rarely interrupted. So, if you look into it not so hard, you can see the future. Hell, just look in your planner (that is if you have one).
Life... the never ending cycle that is finite. I wrote a paper on the meaning of life, where I received a 95/100 for my grade. I was quite pleased, but after that moment that had interrupted my mundane cycle, I found myself walking to my office and wearing the same old name tag that I've been wearing for the past 1 and half years... troubleshooting the same old problems, delivering the same old equipment, receiving complaints from the same old incompetent technology users. I can't help say what every one else is saying, "I can't wait for summer." Just a couple of more weeks, and my cycle will change into something a bit... less depressive, one that allows for more freedom and flexibility. I wonder, when will I finally be able to breathe?
As I stare at the wall in front of me, I see the light of the setting sun casting its glow from behind. Its slowly beginning to dim and lose its orange warmth, I feel in a few seconds the glow will vanish, and I left cold and alone once more.
Hard day at work I tell ya... nothing but running around and helping people out with technology. I guess my bosses and co-workers are happy that I'm one of the few mac users here, otherwise meets with people who own macs would be troublesome. Just saying, I'm quite a valuable resource here at ITCS. Don't get me wrong, I can be almost as incompetent as the next guy, but experience is all that counts, and also a little know how around everything.
Currently, I hunger. Watching the clock wind down until my shift is over and I can drag myself back to my room and microwave a couple of hotdogs and lay them on a cold bed of rice that was made a few hours earlier. Life is grand, or I suppose I should keep to the title of this blog and say, "Life's a drag."
Farewell to you all who actually read my blogs, I hope they have entertained you for the past couple of months. I shall continue writing for as along as I have the need to. But for now, I am weary... famished... and most of all, lonely.
- See you Space Cowboy
Life... the never ending cycle that is finite. I wrote a paper on the meaning of life, where I received a 95/100 for my grade. I was quite pleased, but after that moment that had interrupted my mundane cycle, I found myself walking to my office and wearing the same old name tag that I've been wearing for the past 1 and half years... troubleshooting the same old problems, delivering the same old equipment, receiving complaints from the same old incompetent technology users. I can't help say what every one else is saying, "I can't wait for summer." Just a couple of more weeks, and my cycle will change into something a bit... less depressive, one that allows for more freedom and flexibility. I wonder, when will I finally be able to breathe?
As I stare at the wall in front of me, I see the light of the setting sun casting its glow from behind. Its slowly beginning to dim and lose its orange warmth, I feel in a few seconds the glow will vanish, and I left cold and alone once more.
Hard day at work I tell ya... nothing but running around and helping people out with technology. I guess my bosses and co-workers are happy that I'm one of the few mac users here, otherwise meets with people who own macs would be troublesome. Just saying, I'm quite a valuable resource here at ITCS. Don't get me wrong, I can be almost as incompetent as the next guy, but experience is all that counts, and also a little know how around everything.
Currently, I hunger. Watching the clock wind down until my shift is over and I can drag myself back to my room and microwave a couple of hotdogs and lay them on a cold bed of rice that was made a few hours earlier. Life is grand, or I suppose I should keep to the title of this blog and say, "Life's a drag."
Farewell to you all who actually read my blogs, I hope they have entertained you for the past couple of months. I shall continue writing for as along as I have the need to. But for now, I am weary... famished... and most of all, lonely.
- See you Space Cowboy
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Just A Thought
If I told you one more time that I loved you... how would you react?
What would you say?
Is it futile to try anymore?
What glimmer of hope I have may have diminished its light. I'm sorry for what I've done, being human I can't be perfect. All I can do is try harder next time. I'll try not to fail any more.
Please be happy, I hope you can be happy. Be happy, despite what I may feel. Find your happiness.
I'd hope it could potentially be with me, but that's impossible. I guess we're just incompatible, or I just can't make you happy. Whatever may be the case, let me still be part of your life.
Sorry... feel better... good night... sweet dreams.....
What would you say?
Is it futile to try anymore?
What glimmer of hope I have may have diminished its light. I'm sorry for what I've done, being human I can't be perfect. All I can do is try harder next time. I'll try not to fail any more.
Please be happy, I hope you can be happy. Be happy, despite what I may feel. Find your happiness.
I'd hope it could potentially be with me, but that's impossible. I guess we're just incompatible, or I just can't make you happy. Whatever may be the case, let me still be part of your life.
Sorry... feel better... good night... sweet dreams.....
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Pathetic
That's probably how some people think of me. They would be right in that assumption. All I do is push them away with my self-pity. I guess that's pretty much the only accomplishment I have. I don't know... Sorry. I'll just stop everything, live life as a zombie. Fake all emotions to make it seem that I'm ok. I wish I could rid myself of human emotion.
Good Day
Despite it being a bit slow and confused with plans, today turned out quite good. Had some good times playing LBP, watching some movies, then finally heading over to Alki Beach to soak up some sun and throw a little bit of frisbee. Along with trying to not let a stick fall while digging the sand around it, and being buried semi-knee-deep in sand while small asian girls take pictures next to to make the "illusion" that they are taller.
Afterwards, had a photoshoot with a beautiful setting sun as the background. I always love taking pictures with the sun going down, its always beautiful and I find something very comforting from it. Coming back, with dirty feet from the sand, had a little group shower, 3 pairs of feet in a small shower trying to wash away the dirt from our play at the beach, all the while laughter and screams from asian girls echoing throughout my dorm room. I wonder what my roommate thought in the other side. haha. After being semi-clean, we made our way to the room with a large TV to watch "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind". When all was done we said our goodbyes near Carmen's jizzed up parking spot.
Today was good, just another hangout with friends, can't ask for anything better.
Afterwards, had a photoshoot with a beautiful setting sun as the background. I always love taking pictures with the sun going down, its always beautiful and I find something very comforting from it. Coming back, with dirty feet from the sand, had a little group shower, 3 pairs of feet in a small shower trying to wash away the dirt from our play at the beach, all the while laughter and screams from asian girls echoing throughout my dorm room. I wonder what my roommate thought in the other side. haha. After being semi-clean, we made our way to the room with a large TV to watch "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind". When all was done we said our goodbyes near Carmen's jizzed up parking spot.
Today was good, just another hangout with friends, can't ask for anything better.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Realization
Reason is... its something that I will never have. I will never experience it. I'll always just be by myself. Whatever. I just wish I could change it.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Was it worth it?
Has everything you've done up till now been worth it?
The emotion, the physical pain, the cost... WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
Just to see a smile... to see a hint of a smile... What have you been doing all this time? Have you made a difference at all? How you seem pathetic at this moment, think about what this has defined you as. What are you waiting for? There's nothing there, clearly you can see that right?
"Its like a dream, a dream that I can never wake up from. Before I realized it, that dream ended."
What the hell is wrong with you? Just let go already, quit wasting your time.
- Is it really a waste of time?
What do you think? All comes down to what everything was worth.
- I chose to become sacrificial... I chose to sacrifice what I have just to see that smile, to see happiness.
Stupid is what you are. Nothing but failures ever result in your selfish actions. Just give it up you idiot. Damn you're pathetic. How could you ever face yourself?
- I can't... but then again I do it because I choose to.
Just stop wasting yourself... its not worth it. You're not worth it. You're literally fighting for nothing... nothing at all. You make me laugh, what sidelines are you talking about? There were never any sidelines to begin with. Go ahead, continue wandering this world with your head in the clouds. That's what all your dreams will be, clouds, they will never be down to earth. You think what you're doing is noble and what is good, but you're just being a hypocrite. You preach things that you've never done for yourself. You're a liar. How dare you bring us down to such a level? How low do you plan to bring us down? Just stop it already, enough is enough, I'm sure a point has already been reached, the line has been crossed. Just pathetic... all I can say is that you're pathetic.
Fix yourself already, no one can do it for you, no one can give you validation but yourself. Stop seeking for someone elses validation. It will never work.
Break away why don't you? Why do you force yourself to be where you're at? You have so much potential, so much worth. People can see that, yet you don't. You know you have that potential, but you believe it isn't true all because of.....
- That's just how I am, I don't allow myself to see the best in me, rather I see the worse in myself. I'm never good enough, I can never be good enough, despite all my efforts.
You wonder why you fail... well, here are all the answers, or could it be just a fraction of your messed up world? You sicken me, grow up already. Stop acting like a child. You need to get over yourself. I'm tired, just leave me alone already, deal with your mistakes by yourself. Stop involving me...
The emotion, the physical pain, the cost... WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
Just to see a smile... to see a hint of a smile... What have you been doing all this time? Have you made a difference at all? How you seem pathetic at this moment, think about what this has defined you as. What are you waiting for? There's nothing there, clearly you can see that right?
"Its like a dream, a dream that I can never wake up from. Before I realized it, that dream ended."
What the hell is wrong with you? Just let go already, quit wasting your time.
- Is it really a waste of time?
What do you think? All comes down to what everything was worth.
- I chose to become sacrificial... I chose to sacrifice what I have just to see that smile, to see happiness.
Stupid is what you are. Nothing but failures ever result in your selfish actions. Just give it up you idiot. Damn you're pathetic. How could you ever face yourself?
- I can't... but then again I do it because I choose to.
Just stop wasting yourself... its not worth it. You're not worth it. You're literally fighting for nothing... nothing at all. You make me laugh, what sidelines are you talking about? There were never any sidelines to begin with. Go ahead, continue wandering this world with your head in the clouds. That's what all your dreams will be, clouds, they will never be down to earth. You think what you're doing is noble and what is good, but you're just being a hypocrite. You preach things that you've never done for yourself. You're a liar. How dare you bring us down to such a level? How low do you plan to bring us down? Just stop it already, enough is enough, I'm sure a point has already been reached, the line has been crossed. Just pathetic... all I can say is that you're pathetic.
Fix yourself already, no one can do it for you, no one can give you validation but yourself. Stop seeking for someone elses validation. It will never work.
Break away why don't you? Why do you force yourself to be where you're at? You have so much potential, so much worth. People can see that, yet you don't. You know you have that potential, but you believe it isn't true all because of.....
- That's just how I am, I don't allow myself to see the best in me, rather I see the worse in myself. I'm never good enough, I can never be good enough, despite all my efforts.
You wonder why you fail... well, here are all the answers, or could it be just a fraction of your messed up world? You sicken me, grow up already. Stop acting like a child. You need to get over yourself. I'm tired, just leave me alone already, deal with your mistakes by yourself. Stop involving me...
Meaning of Life
Recently, I had written a paper for my psychology class about the meaning of life. Just a moment ago, under the circumstances, I realized what my meaning of life was, despite the fact that meaning cannot be created according to Dr. Frankl. Maybe its my own way of penance. I don't know, but its something that I feel I need to do. Meh, I'm just talking nonsense.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Motivation and Emotion
The topics for my presentation I will be giving in my psychology class tomorrow. Interesting how I lack one of them and possess a great myriad of the other. This week has just been depressing, one day after another, the days have just flown right by. I am incredible prone to having anxiety attacks and a monsoon of depression. I don't know what's wrong with me, perhaps my endocrine system is way too out of control, and just one emotional stimuli can propagate extreme emotional responses. I currently feel unworthy, plain and simply not good enough. I just feel like I'm not able to move on and forgo what is needed to have success. I don't possess the qualities of someone who can get ahead in the world. Though I may be arrogant, I am no type-A personality, I am not an aggressor.
I am a deep thinker, but apparently not a good one. I can't seem to convey my thoughts in a creative and grammatically correct way.
Lately I've been having instances where I have felt my heart would literally stop. Every time this occurs it increases in the length of how long it lasts. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe my depression is relaying signals to my system making my heart act up. I wonder if I should get help. Would professional help really help my situation?
I guess I'm tired with my life, because I can't seem to make it any better. I don't follow the advice of my friends and of people who know what's right.
Every rain drop that lands on me, my depression gets deeper.
I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up. Someone, please tell me its ok to give up. Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... I can't say it enough. I don't know if it will make things better. How can I make things better?
I just want to roll up and take a fatty nap, maybe that will make me feel better. I just want to scream out loud. Release all this pent up emotion. Take out my bottled aggression on inanimate objects, inflict damage to myself.
Sarili... its what I don't care about.
I am a deep thinker, but apparently not a good one. I can't seem to convey my thoughts in a creative and grammatically correct way.
Lately I've been having instances where I have felt my heart would literally stop. Every time this occurs it increases in the length of how long it lasts. I wonder what's wrong with me? Maybe my depression is relaying signals to my system making my heart act up. I wonder if I should get help. Would professional help really help my situation?
I guess I'm tired with my life, because I can't seem to make it any better. I don't follow the advice of my friends and of people who know what's right.
Every rain drop that lands on me, my depression gets deeper.
I'm lost. I'm tired. I want to give up. Someone, please tell me its ok to give up. Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... I can't say it enough. I don't know if it will make things better. How can I make things better?
I just want to roll up and take a fatty nap, maybe that will make me feel better. I just want to scream out loud. Release all this pent up emotion. Take out my bottled aggression on inanimate objects, inflict damage to myself.
Sarili... its what I don't care about.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just Not Cut Out
For anything. I can't even seem to do better on anything. Even when I do try and put the effort, it never pays off. I hate always trying and never getting anything in return. I'm extremely angry at myself for not doing as well as I hoped to. I always lose, I can never win. I'm too stupid, too arrogant, too naive. I guess that's why I fail in life. I just can't seem to do perfect, or get any where near perfect. I'm always ending up below average, and eventually fail. This adds on to my question as to if my life has any significance at all. I don't make anyone happy, I can't even make myself happy. I can't do anything right. I'm always just going to end up failing. I can't seem to succeed any further than below average or failure. I don't know why I haven't just given up yet. Once again, I want to just crawl into a hole and slowly waste away.
I guess this is just another shot to my already nonexistent self-confidence. I suppose I'll just dream away until my next class...
- Not a good day, at all -
I guess this is just another shot to my already nonexistent self-confidence. I suppose I'll just dream away until my next class...
- Not a good day, at all -
Sunday, May 3, 2009
No Sleep
I can't sleep.... 5:21 am on a Sunday, with no work done from the prior day. I'm just sick of living a life that I selfishly feel unsatisfactory about. What am I doing... depression seems to be always by my side.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Meditating Life
life life life life life life life life life life life life life...
*sigh*
fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail...
*poop*
I am tired. My dreams seem so distant as I look towards the future and contemplate on the present. Would I ever get use to this disappointment I've bestowed upon myself? I guess I have because I continue to do so.
Staring at a single point in space and letting all else fall to the peripherals. Suddenly the contrast of the world and its colors begin to fade into a fuzzy white. A clear mind, a quiet mind, a solitary conscious. Letters turn into words, these words become sentences, those sentences are spoken, eventually all conclude into a jumble of memory's past.
End.
*sigh*
fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail...
*poop*
I am tired. My dreams seem so distant as I look towards the future and contemplate on the present. Would I ever get use to this disappointment I've bestowed upon myself? I guess I have because I continue to do so.
Staring at a single point in space and letting all else fall to the peripherals. Suddenly the contrast of the world and its colors begin to fade into a fuzzy white. A clear mind, a quiet mind, a solitary conscious. Letters turn into words, these words become sentences, those sentences are spoken, eventually all conclude into a jumble of memory's past.
End.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Beach
First time in a long while since I've been to the beach.
A lot of fun! Played some football in the sand, but ended up getting sand into places I didn't think it would get in so easily. I wish some of my friends could've have joined me, but unfortunately for them, midterms are on the horizon. Good luck to them!
Just some good company, meeting new people, playin' sports, all under the sun. Great day in my opinion. Sort of wished we got a fire pit so then I would still be there engulfed in the warmth of a blazing fire.
I was surprised to see how young asian girls look haha. Thought this girl was around my age but then ended up finding out she was graduating this summer. Interesting stuff.
Playing some football helped let loose some energy, was able to score a two touchdowns for my team, one while QB, other while receiver haha.
Great fun. Great fun. I hope to go back sometime soon.
A lot of fun! Played some football in the sand, but ended up getting sand into places I didn't think it would get in so easily. I wish some of my friends could've have joined me, but unfortunately for them, midterms are on the horizon. Good luck to them!
Just some good company, meeting new people, playin' sports, all under the sun. Great day in my opinion. Sort of wished we got a fire pit so then I would still be there engulfed in the warmth of a blazing fire.
I was surprised to see how young asian girls look haha. Thought this girl was around my age but then ended up finding out she was graduating this summer. Interesting stuff.
Playing some football helped let loose some energy, was able to score a two touchdowns for my team, one while QB, other while receiver haha.
Great fun. Great fun. I hope to go back sometime soon.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
My Curse Strikes Again
Every time I try and do something good for someone, it ends up back firing on me...
Bah, I suck... no wonder my life is the way it is. Poops!
Bah, I suck... no wonder my life is the way it is. Poops!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Sleepless In Seattle
Not just a movie that I watched earlier today, but indeed I am unable to fall asleep tonight. I'm extremely tired and on the verge of collapsing anywhere, but for some odd reason I have the unconscious will to want to keep awake. I don't understand this, I suppose I want to stay up so I don't end up snoring and keep the person downstairs from going to bed. I hope she's able to fall asleep soon.
Today I watched Sleepless In Seattle all the way through, cliche in many points, overall it was an "OK" movie. Kind of got me falling asleep as well as something else distracted me from it. But it was nice watching a movie with someone for a change, rather than watching movies alone in my dorm.
Roommates this quarter don't seem to... be compatible with me, that or I've chosen not to integrate myself with the likes of them. I guess I find them a bit annoying, especially during the night when I'm in bed trying to sleep and get rest for my 8am class in the morning. This past week I've actually ended up asking them to be quiet and in once instance to "shhhhh". I try not to do this because I end up feeling bad, but I need my rest... especially for Tuesdays and Thursdays since I have all 3 classes and then 6 hours of work on top.
Currently I feel a bit hungry, or at least my stomach is telling me to put more junk food in it. Menu for today consisted of a toasted blueberry bagel with peanut butter and honey for breakfast along with a glass of milk, for lunch I enjoyed some rice, adobo, and menudo with some friends. For dinner I ended up paying $29.82 (put the change inside their donation box) for Dick's burgers/fries all around. Wasn't the smartest idea, but hey it got the job done of filling out stomachs. On top of dinner I consumed a few shots of tequila, which I believe wasn't the wisest thing to do after consuming a load of junk foods.
Time currently is 4:10 am... still awake and listening to the person downstairs click on the keyboard and listen to their music. 3 more hours and I've literally been up for an entire day (24 hours, day includes night)... which brings me to an argument that frustrates me a little. If people consider a day to be 24 hours, then how long is night time? I thought day and night were different parts of the "day". Its a bit confusing at first, but in a sense there are two definitions for "day" 1. 24 hour period, and 2. period during which the sun is still out.
Now, my only worry is that I hope that I won't disturb the person downstairs with my movements that eventually create creeks and squeeks of the week floor/carpet underneath. That, along with the loud pounding of keys as I type this blog out.
Hungry...
Something that I haven't done in a while... I suppose would have to be making out with someone passionately. I miss that intimate interaction when your own lips touch someone else's. The sensation is, in a sense, unworldly and I guess heavenly. If I remember, when the lips of two individuals (or more if you're into that) touch, an electrical signal is sent to the pleasure part of the brain telling the rest of the body that this sensation is good and that it feels good. So ya, making out, or kissing someone passionately is something I should do soon. Haha, I miss it I guess you could say.
Sleep seems to be finally catching up, and I guess I've nothing else to say in this blog for tonight. Hopefully I won't bother her tonight with my unnatural sounds of sleep.
Well, music is off, I guess that's my queue to cut the click and taps of keys.
Good night to you all.
Today I watched Sleepless In Seattle all the way through, cliche in many points, overall it was an "OK" movie. Kind of got me falling asleep as well as something else distracted me from it. But it was nice watching a movie with someone for a change, rather than watching movies alone in my dorm.
Roommates this quarter don't seem to... be compatible with me, that or I've chosen not to integrate myself with the likes of them. I guess I find them a bit annoying, especially during the night when I'm in bed trying to sleep and get rest for my 8am class in the morning. This past week I've actually ended up asking them to be quiet and in once instance to "shhhhh". I try not to do this because I end up feeling bad, but I need my rest... especially for Tuesdays and Thursdays since I have all 3 classes and then 6 hours of work on top.
Currently I feel a bit hungry, or at least my stomach is telling me to put more junk food in it. Menu for today consisted of a toasted blueberry bagel with peanut butter and honey for breakfast along with a glass of milk, for lunch I enjoyed some rice, adobo, and menudo with some friends. For dinner I ended up paying $29.82 (put the change inside their donation box) for Dick's burgers/fries all around. Wasn't the smartest idea, but hey it got the job done of filling out stomachs. On top of dinner I consumed a few shots of tequila, which I believe wasn't the wisest thing to do after consuming a load of junk foods.
Time currently is 4:10 am... still awake and listening to the person downstairs click on the keyboard and listen to their music. 3 more hours and I've literally been up for an entire day (24 hours, day includes night)... which brings me to an argument that frustrates me a little. If people consider a day to be 24 hours, then how long is night time? I thought day and night were different parts of the "day". Its a bit confusing at first, but in a sense there are two definitions for "day" 1. 24 hour period, and 2. period during which the sun is still out.
Now, my only worry is that I hope that I won't disturb the person downstairs with my movements that eventually create creeks and squeeks of the week floor/carpet underneath. That, along with the loud pounding of keys as I type this blog out.
Hungry...
Something that I haven't done in a while... I suppose would have to be making out with someone passionately. I miss that intimate interaction when your own lips touch someone else's. The sensation is, in a sense, unworldly and I guess heavenly. If I remember, when the lips of two individuals (or more if you're into that) touch, an electrical signal is sent to the pleasure part of the brain telling the rest of the body that this sensation is good and that it feels good. So ya, making out, or kissing someone passionately is something I should do soon. Haha, I miss it I guess you could say.
Sleep seems to be finally catching up, and I guess I've nothing else to say in this blog for tonight. Hopefully I won't bother her tonight with my unnatural sounds of sleep.
Well, music is off, I guess that's my queue to cut the click and taps of keys.
Good night to you all.
Just Another Friday Night
Many things occurred today.
Biology Midterm - I don't know how well I did, hopefully well.
Turning in CEEGR homework - Fucking frustrating... talked to professor for almost more than an hour... I'm hopeless in academics @_@
Party at the wayward house - short lived, but loads of fun playing street fighter, downing dick's burgers/fries, and taking shots of tequila.
Currently - chilling at Rachel's cousin's residency, and having a warm sick feeling inside my stomach >.<
Wishing - for something more in my love and intimate life.
Wanting - to watch a movie or two with Rachel, but I think she's too tired to do so.
oh well...
Ingats.
Biology Midterm - I don't know how well I did, hopefully well.
Turning in CEEGR homework - Fucking frustrating... talked to professor for almost more than an hour... I'm hopeless in academics @_@
Party at the wayward house - short lived, but loads of fun playing street fighter, downing dick's burgers/fries, and taking shots of tequila.
Currently - chilling at Rachel's cousin's residency, and having a warm sick feeling inside my stomach >.<
Wishing - for something more in my love and intimate life.
Wanting - to watch a movie or two with Rachel, but I think she's too tired to do so.
oh well...
Ingats.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Let Me
Share this sun with you.
The cool breeze blowing through.
Light that envelopes leaves of trees and flowers.
Songs orchestrated by avians of this world.
Share with me the passion ignited by the touch of nerves.
The warmth that emanates from your deepest core, let it be what comforts us in the cold.
Seek with me, the motions of nature and the twinkle of the heavens.
May we lay under the ethereal plane in which we long to return.
Exchange with me that which beats gives life.
Let us converse with words spoken by those of truth and heart.
Covet the keys to my prison, for they belong to you.
Dreams, may they stay dreams. For dreams are reserved for the hopeless.
Let us make a reality fit for those who feel. A reality that may never be extinguished by dismay.
Jump in a puddle to show the ripples of our affection, may it be disturbed by our very decisions.
Let cliche, nonchalance, and chivalry by our guides. For what has been said may not have been said any better.
The cool breeze blowing through.
Light that envelopes leaves of trees and flowers.
Songs orchestrated by avians of this world.
Share with me the passion ignited by the touch of nerves.
The warmth that emanates from your deepest core, let it be what comforts us in the cold.
Seek with me, the motions of nature and the twinkle of the heavens.
May we lay under the ethereal plane in which we long to return.
Exchange with me that which beats gives life.
Let us converse with words spoken by those of truth and heart.
Covet the keys to my prison, for they belong to you.
Dreams, may they stay dreams. For dreams are reserved for the hopeless.
Let us make a reality fit for those who feel. A reality that may never be extinguished by dismay.
Jump in a puddle to show the ripples of our affection, may it be disturbed by our very decisions.
Let cliche, nonchalance, and chivalry by our guides. For what has been said may not have been said any better.
We Can't Have What We Want
Or is it, we want what we can't have. I guess that's just turning the sentence around. Still... it makes sense either way. Am I obsessed with this idea we humans call love? I guess I am, after all more than 90% or so of my blogs relate to love and the idea of it. I make my life sad. I search for heartache. I prevail in all of these.
It says on my iTunes that the number one song most played (with a 276 play count) is Broken by Secondhand Serenade. I guess that was all during the summer last year where I could not get enough of that song because I was told it was the song that reminded someone of us. I suppose I was a fool to believe such a thing. Now that I listen to any songs by Secondhand Serenade I quickly reach for the "Next" button in search for a song that would not evoke memories of a hurtful past.
I want to move on, but I don't have the confidence to do so. Afraid that I will never become as close as I have already. I understand that it is all a one-way street, despite it all I still continue driving down this road that leads to nowhere. I think that's all there is to it; I possess no confidence, I reserve little to no respect towards myself, I grew to believe in the idea.
Tell me what you want from me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And I'm going crazy
Life's a prison when you're in love alone
Can you help me?
Worlds can be shattered by a mere sentence, by a mere word, by a mere gesture, by a mere emotion...
Living in a dream that I wish would come true.
Delusions of a desolate future.
False love under true emotions.
Tell me your true name and I'll show you my true nature.
Don't give me a quiet mind, give me a mind filled with clamor.
Passionate embraces fueled by empty emotions.
Elation will never reach its zenith as we are.
Let the tides ebb in our passionate seas.
May restraints of morals be lost in this clash of lust.
Dejected by a sentence of reality.
Fall I may, grow we shall, to what unknowns the world bears.
It says on my iTunes that the number one song most played (with a 276 play count) is Broken by Secondhand Serenade. I guess that was all during the summer last year where I could not get enough of that song because I was told it was the song that reminded someone of us. I suppose I was a fool to believe such a thing. Now that I listen to any songs by Secondhand Serenade I quickly reach for the "Next" button in search for a song that would not evoke memories of a hurtful past.
I want to move on, but I don't have the confidence to do so. Afraid that I will never become as close as I have already. I understand that it is all a one-way street, despite it all I still continue driving down this road that leads to nowhere. I think that's all there is to it; I possess no confidence, I reserve little to no respect towards myself, I grew to believe in the idea.
Tell me what you want from me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And I'm going crazy
Life's a prison when you're in love alone
Can you help me?
Worlds can be shattered by a mere sentence, by a mere word, by a mere gesture, by a mere emotion...
Living in a dream that I wish would come true.
Delusions of a desolate future.
False love under true emotions.
Tell me your true name and I'll show you my true nature.
Don't give me a quiet mind, give me a mind filled with clamor.
Passionate embraces fueled by empty emotions.
Elation will never reach its zenith as we are.
Let the tides ebb in our passionate seas.
May restraints of morals be lost in this clash of lust.
Dejected by a sentence of reality.
Fall I may, grow we shall, to what unknowns the world bears.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
All That I've Got
If I could just find a way
To get inside your heart
I would be the luckiest guy
If I can just be the one
Who'll be by your side
Just a chance to feel what it's like
And i'll do anything
To be in his shoes
Coz I know I could give even more
Chorus:
Baby this love, it's all that i've got
More than diamonds and pearls
And all the wealth in this world
Baby this love, it is all that i've got
But I know it's gonna last forever, and ever
(oohh love, is all that i've got)
It's all that i've got
Standing outside your world
Wishing you'd let me in
And i'd show you what my love can bring
Helplessly hoping you'd give me half a chance
Coz I know i'm just one step away
And I live in a dream
That I wish would come true
Waiting for a happy ending
Repeat chorus
(forever and ever)
I may not have too much to give
But how can you stop feeling so strong
All I ever want to be
Is right by your side
(right by your side)
Right by your side
Repeat chorus
- 17:28
To get inside your heart
I would be the luckiest guy
If I can just be the one
Who'll be by your side
Just a chance to feel what it's like
And i'll do anything
To be in his shoes
Coz I know I could give even more
Chorus:
Baby this love, it's all that i've got
More than diamonds and pearls
And all the wealth in this world
Baby this love, it is all that i've got
But I know it's gonna last forever, and ever
(oohh love, is all that i've got)
It's all that i've got
Standing outside your world
Wishing you'd let me in
And i'd show you what my love can bring
Helplessly hoping you'd give me half a chance
Coz I know i'm just one step away
And I live in a dream
That I wish would come true
Waiting for a happy ending
Repeat chorus
(forever and ever)
I may not have too much to give
But how can you stop feeling so strong
All I ever want to be
Is right by your side
(right by your side)
Right by your side
Repeat chorus
- 17:28
Monday, April 13, 2009
Poop
It sucks to have intimate feelings for someone and then help them with that person's own personal love life. Giving them advice and comfort, it hurts.
I wish I could move on from it all.
I wish I was strong enough to do it.
I wish I loved myself more, maybe then I wouldn't have made such mistakes.
What is the trick to loving yourself?
I guess I don't understand it too much.
Perhaps I don't love myself because the person who I seem to love thinks of me as something that I hate most in this world... I guess that's the main reason that prohibits me from loving myself completely, after all; would someone love something that they hate?
I don't know why I am doing all of this. People tell me I'm wasting my time. I tell myself I have all the time in the world.
People say there are more fish in the sea. I say, "Sure, there are quantity, but what about the quality?" You wouldn't want tuna that tasted like crap...
I don't know, maybe this is just a fool's love. Fooling myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe if I do enough, perhaps the tables would turn.
I suppose I should take my own advice that I've been giving twice in the past 24 hours: in all relationships it takes time and space. Give it time to grow and give each other space to breathe better. Give each other that time and space so that both of you would want each other even more. Give each other just the right amount of time and space, the love will be endless and amazing.
I don't know... i do rush things a lot, I suck at relationships. I guess when I think that there might be a possibility I tend to reach my arm out too far and end up letting it slip right through by being to hasty. I guess I'm too afraid to be alone, I want to try and be with someone as fast as I can. Oh the irony.
My love life is sad because I've made it so...
Well, I hope all of you had a Happy Easter/Zombie Jesus Day.
I hope she feels better.
I hope that we may all find the one we can grow to love.
I hope that when we do, we will never let it go...
I wish I could move on from it all.
I wish I was strong enough to do it.
I wish I loved myself more, maybe then I wouldn't have made such mistakes.
What is the trick to loving yourself?
I guess I don't understand it too much.
Perhaps I don't love myself because the person who I seem to love thinks of me as something that I hate most in this world... I guess that's the main reason that prohibits me from loving myself completely, after all; would someone love something that they hate?
I don't know why I am doing all of this. People tell me I'm wasting my time. I tell myself I have all the time in the world.
People say there are more fish in the sea. I say, "Sure, there are quantity, but what about the quality?" You wouldn't want tuna that tasted like crap...
I don't know, maybe this is just a fool's love. Fooling myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe if I do enough, perhaps the tables would turn.
I suppose I should take my own advice that I've been giving twice in the past 24 hours: in all relationships it takes time and space. Give it time to grow and give each other space to breathe better. Give each other that time and space so that both of you would want each other even more. Give each other just the right amount of time and space, the love will be endless and amazing.
I don't know... i do rush things a lot, I suck at relationships. I guess when I think that there might be a possibility I tend to reach my arm out too far and end up letting it slip right through by being to hasty. I guess I'm too afraid to be alone, I want to try and be with someone as fast as I can. Oh the irony.
My love life is sad because I've made it so...
Well, I hope all of you had a Happy Easter/Zombie Jesus Day.
I hope she feels better.
I hope that we may all find the one we can grow to love.
I hope that when we do, we will never let it go...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I Live
To help others. Or at least try my best to.
I suppose it makes me happy to see others happy and because of that I want to help the people who are dear to me. Who I love the most. I vaguely remember studying the different types of happiness, and how the lower level types of happiness can never be fulfilling. I don't know what kind of happiness is mine. I'm happy inside when I see them happy. Despite the anger and hate pointed towards me, I want to endure it all just to see that smiling face. To know if what I have done for them had any positive effect.
I wish I do.
I hope I do..
I pray I do...
Maybe that's how I grow to love someone, taking care of them at their worst, or near to worst.
I guess its ok if there is no appreciation given, maybe it might be because I didn't help enough or I didn't help in the correct way. For those times, I'm sorry. Even though, please, please give me another chance to correct that mistake and help in a way that will benefit.
I suppose this is my way of trying to become Christ-like. I guess.
Or... at least my way in trying to help people...
I suppose it makes me happy to see others happy and because of that I want to help the people who are dear to me. Who I love the most. I vaguely remember studying the different types of happiness, and how the lower level types of happiness can never be fulfilling. I don't know what kind of happiness is mine. I'm happy inside when I see them happy. Despite the anger and hate pointed towards me, I want to endure it all just to see that smiling face. To know if what I have done for them had any positive effect.
I wish I do.
I hope I do..
I pray I do...
Maybe that's how I grow to love someone, taking care of them at their worst, or near to worst.
I guess its ok if there is no appreciation given, maybe it might be because I didn't help enough or I didn't help in the correct way. For those times, I'm sorry. Even though, please, please give me another chance to correct that mistake and help in a way that will benefit.
I suppose this is my way of trying to become Christ-like. I guess.
Or... at least my way in trying to help people...
Friday, April 10, 2009
Temptations
Are bad... they make you feel incomplete inside until you are able to satiate yourself with such pleasures. They make you dizzy, they make you want, they make you hunger for it all. Simple meditation may be able to stifle these urges, but it takes a strong mind, and a strong will to rid yourself of desires.
The elation one feels immediately after indulging into such temptation is indescribable. But like any other indulgence, a short while after you feel the sense of emptiness, a sense of loneliness. All you want afterward is more of it.
Its incredibly difficult to combat such temptations. Incredibly ironic how it is lent, fasting for 40 days or more. How was Jesus able to avoid temptation by the devil during his time of fasting? Obviously, the answer is in the bible, but being human, and one who's fallen in to sin, it is nearly impossible to defeat these temptations.
Life... is hard. It gets harder and harder as you get older and have urges for even more temptations.
I am frustrated at myself for not being strong enough. GAHHHHH. I guess the human hunger is never satiated.
I'm so dizzy, so flustered, so... uncontrolled.
I need strength, to get over this. Poops.
x.x
The elation one feels immediately after indulging into such temptation is indescribable. But like any other indulgence, a short while after you feel the sense of emptiness, a sense of loneliness. All you want afterward is more of it.
Its incredibly difficult to combat such temptations. Incredibly ironic how it is lent, fasting for 40 days or more. How was Jesus able to avoid temptation by the devil during his time of fasting? Obviously, the answer is in the bible, but being human, and one who's fallen in to sin, it is nearly impossible to defeat these temptations.
Life... is hard. It gets harder and harder as you get older and have urges for even more temptations.
I am frustrated at myself for not being strong enough. GAHHHHH. I guess the human hunger is never satiated.
I'm so dizzy, so flustered, so... uncontrolled.
I need strength, to get over this. Poops.
x.x
Monday, April 6, 2009
Right Now
It is a wonderful spring evening.
The air outside is warm and comforting, at the same time cools me down to the perfect temperature.
I'm remembering the past. Reading of past conversations. Flashing back to past experiences.
Bouts of lies and pretend moments. But the emotions were real. We... were real, together, we will have a bond that can never be broken.
Lie to me for now.
Don't leave me. Don't leave us. Don't leave your other family.
My shirt smells good ^_^
Beard + Mustache ---Shave---> Younger looking me
Bring back the past, make it better, let it be our future.
Sleepy time is now!
Damn 8am classes, although its not that bad.
If you're not happy, then why are you with him?
A man should never make the woman he loves cry... ever. (unless they are tears of joy)
Men... are stupid. I admit that we are, but there are just some who are fucking ass holes. Then there are the select few who transcend any description to describe their stupidity.
I wish... for the best.
The air outside is warm and comforting, at the same time cools me down to the perfect temperature.
I'm remembering the past. Reading of past conversations. Flashing back to past experiences.
Bouts of lies and pretend moments. But the emotions were real. We... were real, together, we will have a bond that can never be broken.
Lie to me for now.
Don't leave me. Don't leave us. Don't leave your other family.
My shirt smells good ^_^
Beard + Mustache ---Shave---> Younger looking me
Bring back the past, make it better, let it be our future.
Sleepy time is now!
Damn 8am classes, although its not that bad.
If you're not happy, then why are you with him?
A man should never make the woman he loves cry... ever. (unless they are tears of joy)
Men... are stupid. I admit that we are, but there are just some who are fucking ass holes. Then there are the select few who transcend any description to describe their stupidity.
I wish... for the best.
Two Beautiful Days in A Row
Can't get enough of this sun.
Despite there not being some clouds in the sky, it is an absolutely gorgeous day. The air is wonderful, the warmth is welcoming, the energy outside is amazing.
Days like this make me want to smile. All that's missing is a special someone to share these special days.
Haha...
I must say: Life is good.
Despite there not being some clouds in the sky, it is an absolutely gorgeous day. The air is wonderful, the warmth is welcoming, the energy outside is amazing.
Days like this make me want to smile. All that's missing is a special someone to share these special days.
Haha...
I must say: Life is good.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Sunny Day
Natural light is always good.
I believe for the body, and the spirit.
Its as if a long span of evolution has yet to rid ourselves of photosynthesis.
We need the sun, we need it warmth. We need its light.
Its the natural things that gives energy to all that is living, except for some extremophiles (yay biology).
Just have to say, its a beautiful day.
:)
I believe for the body, and the spirit.
Its as if a long span of evolution has yet to rid ourselves of photosynthesis.
We need the sun, we need it warmth. We need its light.
Its the natural things that gives energy to all that is living, except for some extremophiles (yay biology).
Just have to say, its a beautiful day.
:)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Random.
I want to experience those warm, orange sunrises in a city you see in all of those old-school movies. Driving up on a bridge early in the morning as the sun rises and its rays reflected off the window-covered skyscrapers in the distance giving that warm orange glow.
^_^
^_^
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Let It End Tonight
I'm exhausted.
I'm lost.
I'm nothing.
I wish that no one shall ever be as naive.
I wish that this suffering will end.
I wish that I wasn't me.
Let me wake up in a different time.
Let me wake up in a different place.
Let me wake up as a different person.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.
I want to be the real me.
- Be done
- Be done with me
- Be done with me for good
I'm sorry for:
being me
I'm lost.
I'm nothing.
I wish that no one shall ever be as naive.
I wish that this suffering will end.
I wish that I wasn't me.
Let me wake up in a different time.
Let me wake up in a different place.
Let me wake up as a different person.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.
I want to be the real me.
- Be done
- Be done with me
- Be done with me for good
I'm sorry for:
being me
Life is Interesting
When life seems to be going well, it sends you a curve ball. Tiny little bumps in the road that can throw one off track. The sound of a single voice, the combination of different words, the emotion felt by one to another. These can all derail a person on any path, or set them back on the one they want.
Life is what we make it, or does life make us?
Just a short exchange of sentences can bring upon dramatic change.
Toss me into a raging inferno. Throw me into freezing depths.
Send me into the quiet and lonely void.
So I may find some sort of peace.
Life is what we make it, or does life make us?
Just a short exchange of sentences can bring upon dramatic change.
Toss me into a raging inferno. Throw me into freezing depths.
Send me into the quiet and lonely void.
So I may find some sort of peace.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Are We Labeled?
By what we do? Do our personalities reflect what we do?
Does our inner meaning end up being defined by what we do?
Perhaps I've reached a new low. Becoming something that I never thought I would be.
Perverse as we came... humans are disgusting... specifically me.
Shame is what I am. It seems to be what defines my inner meaning.
Perverse is what I am...
Does our inner meaning end up being defined by what we do?
Perhaps I've reached a new low. Becoming something that I never thought I would be.
Perverse as we came... humans are disgusting... specifically me.
Shame is what I am. It seems to be what defines my inner meaning.
Perverse is what I am...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
What Am I Doing?
Is this right? Am I impeding? Am I preventing potential?
Am I doing this to seek something in return? To seek for something that will never be?
Why do I wait? Why am I waiting?
Am I waiting for something to happen? If so, what is it that I'm waiting to happen?
Why do I feel this way? Why am I still subjecting myself to my own enslavement?
Do I really put on a fake smile? Do I pretend my happiness towards others?
If so, what does this say about me? Does it make me a bad person?
Am I happy? (no)
Why do I still do what I do? Am I not already bored and frustrated with my usual song and dance?
Is it time for a new persona? If so, who would I be? How would I act?
Do I enslave myself? Or am I my own master?
How does one find happiness? How can I find my own?
What am I missing? What am I searching for?
Why am I so attached? Why can I not break the bonds? Why do I still cling on?
What will be waiting for me if I continue this cycle? What will be waiting at this endless line?
Can I be free? Or have I simply imprisoned myself and thrown away the key to my escape?
Answer:
I don't know...
Am I doing this to seek something in return? To seek for something that will never be?
Why do I wait? Why am I waiting?
Am I waiting for something to happen? If so, what is it that I'm waiting to happen?
Why do I feel this way? Why am I still subjecting myself to my own enslavement?
Do I really put on a fake smile? Do I pretend my happiness towards others?
If so, what does this say about me? Does it make me a bad person?
Am I happy? (no)
Why do I still do what I do? Am I not already bored and frustrated with my usual song and dance?
Is it time for a new persona? If so, who would I be? How would I act?
Do I enslave myself? Or am I my own master?
How does one find happiness? How can I find my own?
What am I missing? What am I searching for?
Why am I so attached? Why can I not break the bonds? Why do I still cling on?
What will be waiting for me if I continue this cycle? What will be waiting at this endless line?
Can I be free? Or have I simply imprisoned myself and thrown away the key to my escape?
Answer:
I don't know...
Why Do I Run?
From the warm sunshine and into the freezing darkness.
Do I find my happiness worthless, therefore to never seek it for myself?
Or have I already sought out happiness and found nothing but worthlessness?
I suppose I have given up on myself and instead given what I have left to others and or to someone else.
Am I so blind that I may not feel or see the warmth or light of happiness that approaches me?
Or have my eyes been so widely open that I see no happiness for myself.
I seem to live in my own desolate land of loneliness. Making it so.
I guess I don't seem to want happiness for myself. I subject myself to becoming and being the lowly being I see myself as.
Who knows if I have the potential of becoming more than what seems like an empty shell that has always been empty.
Do I find my happiness worthless, therefore to never seek it for myself?
Or have I already sought out happiness and found nothing but worthlessness?
I suppose I have given up on myself and instead given what I have left to others and or to someone else.
Am I so blind that I may not feel or see the warmth or light of happiness that approaches me?
Or have my eyes been so widely open that I see no happiness for myself.
I seem to live in my own desolate land of loneliness. Making it so.
I guess I don't seem to want happiness for myself. I subject myself to becoming and being the lowly being I see myself as.
Who knows if I have the potential of becoming more than what seems like an empty shell that has always been empty.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
If I Could Give You The World
I would, but would you have your own world to live in?
If it didn't hurt so much, I would give you all that I can.
Would you give me your heart, in exchange for mine?
Would it be a fair and equal exchange?
If it didn't hurt so much, I would give you all that I can.
Would you give me your heart, in exchange for mine?
Would it be a fair and equal exchange?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Corresponding Shapes Like Puzzle Pieces
Can people be made for each other like such?
When do people know when they have found their corresponding puzzle piece?
I feel like the last puzzle piece that people don't know where to place and just tossed away until needed.
When do people know when they have found their corresponding puzzle piece?
I feel like the last puzzle piece that people don't know where to place and just tossed away until needed.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
How does it happen?
How does a person grow to love someone else?
The phenomenon is still confusing to me. I suppose its because I myself have not felt that emotion people have tried to describe to me when they first find their special person. A person, who I feel that is close to me, once tried to describe this emotion. I suppose the way she tried to was in a sense "indescribable" and I guess that's how the feeling is, "indescribable." But the effects of such an indescribable feeling is was quite clear. No matter how far away, how long it takes, the person who has fallen under this spell of an "indescribable" feeling will always, in some way, miss that person. Taking a step back, what does it mean to miss someone? Dictionary.com defines "Miss" in its sixth entry as, " to regret the absence or loss of: I miss you all dreadfully." I suppose "to miss" someone is to have a feeling of loss, to have a feeling of incompleteness. But if I don't have someone that I miss, then why do I feel that way all the time?
When she had tried to describe the feeling when she had met her special person, she was out of words. Most of the time when she described it she moved her hands a lot and just tried to say the right thing, but was not able to nail the correct description. In the end all she could say was that the feeling she experience was love.
I can't say for sure if I've ever felt love... love for another person intimately. Maybe I have, but it was never reciprocated back, and so I never felt the emotion of "love" completely.
So, I guess a question I've probably asking too many times I care to remember is: what does it mean to love? Is love just a meaningless human emotion concocted by chemical reactions within our bodies and minds? Is to love to be human? What is the connection between love and hate, are they just one in the same but from different sides? ...Why can't I be loved?...
I've put myself out there far too many times. Do I regret it? I think I do. If it was not for being let down and shot down all those times, maybe I would not be the way I am now? I guess it all stems from what my friend told me in a reply to a letter I had sent: "you shouldn't rush things." Plain and simple... but for some reason I've never been able to slow things down. What is wrong with me? Why do I rush things? Why am I so focused on finding my special person now? Should I not be focused more on my future and academics? I wonder if there are others like me who feel and question like I do. Maybe I would not feel as alone, but maybe it won't have any effect at all. Why am I such a failure at love?
Is it because I have a low-selfesteem? But all people do, in some way. Is it because I'm physically unattractive? That's probably the most accurate. Is it because I end up being friends? I thought it was a good thing to be friends, if not best friends, with the one you love? A friend told me, after all, her special person was her best friend... and that's how they grew to love each other, was after being best friends. I just don't understand it anymore. I can't stand it. After thinking of everything I just want to yell out loud, "FUCK IT ALL, FUCK LIFE, FUCK ME... fuck love..."
Where will my life lead? Will I forever wander alone? Never to feel the warmth of another's touch... never to experience the full embrace of someone's love. If this will be the case, then what worth is my life, what meaning does it possess, what potential do I have if I can not share myself completely, why do I fail at love?
Tonight, let me embrace the cold void in which no love exists. For it shall be the only place I'm accepted.
All I can say is, "I'm sorry..." But it will never be enough, nor will I ever be enough.
Ingats lagi...
The phenomenon is still confusing to me. I suppose its because I myself have not felt that emotion people have tried to describe to me when they first find their special person. A person, who I feel that is close to me, once tried to describe this emotion. I suppose the way she tried to was in a sense "indescribable" and I guess that's how the feeling is, "indescribable." But the effects of such an indescribable feeling is was quite clear. No matter how far away, how long it takes, the person who has fallen under this spell of an "indescribable" feeling will always, in some way, miss that person. Taking a step back, what does it mean to miss someone? Dictionary.com defines "Miss" in its sixth entry as, " to regret the absence or loss of: I miss you all dreadfully." I suppose "to miss" someone is to have a feeling of loss, to have a feeling of incompleteness. But if I don't have someone that I miss, then why do I feel that way all the time?
When she had tried to describe the feeling when she had met her special person, she was out of words. Most of the time when she described it she moved her hands a lot and just tried to say the right thing, but was not able to nail the correct description. In the end all she could say was that the feeling she experience was love.
I can't say for sure if I've ever felt love... love for another person intimately. Maybe I have, but it was never reciprocated back, and so I never felt the emotion of "love" completely.
So, I guess a question I've probably asking too many times I care to remember is: what does it mean to love? Is love just a meaningless human emotion concocted by chemical reactions within our bodies and minds? Is to love to be human? What is the connection between love and hate, are they just one in the same but from different sides? ...Why can't I be loved?...
I've put myself out there far too many times. Do I regret it? I think I do. If it was not for being let down and shot down all those times, maybe I would not be the way I am now? I guess it all stems from what my friend told me in a reply to a letter I had sent: "you shouldn't rush things." Plain and simple... but for some reason I've never been able to slow things down. What is wrong with me? Why do I rush things? Why am I so focused on finding my special person now? Should I not be focused more on my future and academics? I wonder if there are others like me who feel and question like I do. Maybe I would not feel as alone, but maybe it won't have any effect at all. Why am I such a failure at love?
Is it because I have a low-selfesteem? But all people do, in some way. Is it because I'm physically unattractive? That's probably the most accurate. Is it because I end up being friends? I thought it was a good thing to be friends, if not best friends, with the one you love? A friend told me, after all, her special person was her best friend... and that's how they grew to love each other, was after being best friends. I just don't understand it anymore. I can't stand it. After thinking of everything I just want to yell out loud, "FUCK IT ALL, FUCK LIFE, FUCK ME... fuck love..."
Where will my life lead? Will I forever wander alone? Never to feel the warmth of another's touch... never to experience the full embrace of someone's love. If this will be the case, then what worth is my life, what meaning does it possess, what potential do I have if I can not share myself completely, why do I fail at love?
Tonight, let me embrace the cold void in which no love exists. For it shall be the only place I'm accepted.
All I can say is, "I'm sorry..." But it will never be enough, nor will I ever be enough.
Ingats lagi...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Pharyngeal Slits and Markovnikov Products
As of today, I have finished the last of my finals. How relieved I felt walking out of that stuffy classroom. Legs stretched out after 1 hour and 50 minutes of non-stop cursive explaining the synapomorphies and various other biological themes that have been beaten into our brains for the past 10 weeks. I must say, "It was indeed a lot of information for one brain to handle." Earlier in the day, around 6:30 am I wake to the melodies of my alarm clock and Search The City's "Clocks and Time Pieces" simultaneously. Realizing what importance this morning had, I rushed to take a shower and eat my bowl of Peanut Butter Crunch. Soon my knowledge of chemical reactions was tested, and for once cramming was my one saving grace. For if it wasn't for cramming, my world would be quite dreadful at this moment, but on the contrary, I do feel a sense of relief and reassurance that I tried my best... for what its worth.
After taking said final, I only had a handful of hours to study for the Biology final previously mentioned. Boy, was it a doozy.
After the festivities of burning lead and aching wrists, I was free from the clutches of academia... for now. Bidding my friends a farewell as they returned back home, I trudged on with symposium poster in arm back to my own... "living space". Despite having finished finals earlier than most people, I was a bit sad, sad in the fact that my group reveived an 85 out of 100 on our poster... despite the score we tied with 3 other groups of 3rd place (I still didn't get my prize peep).
The remainder of the day was dedicated to endless (more than a few hours) play of Street Fighter IV, where I took some names and got my ass kicked a few more times than I wanted it to be kicked. I suppose the one major highlight, that shines all else, was the amazing dinner I had. 10'' Calzone from Ti Amo... just... not even words could describe the sensation. Lack for a better word... just amazing.
Now, I lay on my bed near the window where cold air permiates through the miniscule slits. Wondering... thinking... why does my life feel so empty? Do I make it empty? Is it my want for something, or rather, someone? I wish there was someone out there... someone that God made just for me, as I was made just for her. I suppose that's how most people feel when they do not have someone special to share their lives with. I suppose it would be a sin if I were to envy people, but would it be bad if I envied them for the love they have?
After all... "Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride."
I suppose it isn't love if it is out of envy.
If only I were strong enough to burn, delete, and remove all traces of the memory that once was a reality. To finally let go of all the chains that bind me such feeling. To open my eyes and see the possibilities of newer and more exciting things. Being human, we are weak; and I, an especially weak human, am prone to be entangled in the past.
Why must the easiest things to say ("Just let go") be the hardest things to do?
I'll let the marinate a little more.
Just continue to dream... the endless dream...
Ingats lagi.
After taking said final, I only had a handful of hours to study for the Biology final previously mentioned. Boy, was it a doozy.
After the festivities of burning lead and aching wrists, I was free from the clutches of academia... for now. Bidding my friends a farewell as they returned back home, I trudged on with symposium poster in arm back to my own... "living space". Despite having finished finals earlier than most people, I was a bit sad, sad in the fact that my group reveived an 85 out of 100 on our poster... despite the score we tied with 3 other groups of 3rd place (I still didn't get my prize peep).
The remainder of the day was dedicated to endless (more than a few hours) play of Street Fighter IV, where I took some names and got my ass kicked a few more times than I wanted it to be kicked. I suppose the one major highlight, that shines all else, was the amazing dinner I had. 10'' Calzone from Ti Amo... just... not even words could describe the sensation. Lack for a better word... just amazing.
Now, I lay on my bed near the window where cold air permiates through the miniscule slits. Wondering... thinking... why does my life feel so empty? Do I make it empty? Is it my want for something, or rather, someone? I wish there was someone out there... someone that God made just for me, as I was made just for her. I suppose that's how most people feel when they do not have someone special to share their lives with. I suppose it would be a sin if I were to envy people, but would it be bad if I envied them for the love they have?
After all... "Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride."
I suppose it isn't love if it is out of envy.
If only I were strong enough to burn, delete, and remove all traces of the memory that once was a reality. To finally let go of all the chains that bind me such feeling. To open my eyes and see the possibilities of newer and more exciting things. Being human, we are weak; and I, an especially weak human, am prone to be entangled in the past.
Why must the easiest things to say ("Just let go") be the hardest things to do?
I'll let the marinate a little more.
Just continue to dream... the endless dream...
Ingats lagi.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Just a Few More Hours
Until I am subjected to prove my knowledge of literary texts my class has gone over the past 10 weeks. I can't seem to concentrate much, even in the library. I suppose its because I have too much on my mind.
Maybe I'll diverge the topic and talk about something else that has plagued my mind.
What will she have me do? Grovel at her feet and tell her what she wishes?
I wish I'm able to make her smile and laugh. I suppose I wasn't the one meant to do that for her. Instead, I'm at the sidelines, watching and being only sent in when necessary. I look around me and see ow many people are lucky to have another by their side. Someone to make them happy when they feel sad. I wish I had that capability, at least to her. I suppose the best I can be to her is a brother figure than anything else, but even with that role I feel I fail no matter what I do. I suppose what really hurts the most is when she asks my opinion about him. I don't know if she knows, nor do I care if she does, that when she asks me these questions I feel an incredible emotion of loss. As if something was taken from me and left a gaping hole never to be filled by anything else but what was taken. Interesting how I start to use literary mechanics in this blog when I should be studying diligently about said literary mechanics. I guess that's a sign of a bad student.
I don't know what it is about her. I try to accept and get over. But I suppose what draws me in is her innocent smile, even though I know the malcontent behind that smile. In all honesty, when I do get to gaze on that smile, a part of that emptiness fills in. But then I remember that her smiles are for someone else, and no other. Realizing the facts that I am no longer included in her memories of happiness. Instead, I am the memory that is swept underneath the rug, the memory that is kept in the back, never to be remembered again, to always be forgotten. In the end, I can't let go, no matter how hard I try. The memories will never cease.
I wonder when my chance will come? Maybe my chance has come many times, but I failed to see.
Aside from anything else, I wonder if I'll pass... I know I must, but I can't seem to get the lazy monkey off my back. I sit here in the library, munching on my lone rice crispy treat from the school cafeteria, just trying to go over all that we have talked about in English 120.
When will it end?
Ingats lagi...
Maybe I'll diverge the topic and talk about something else that has plagued my mind.
What will she have me do? Grovel at her feet and tell her what she wishes?
I wish I'm able to make her smile and laugh. I suppose I wasn't the one meant to do that for her. Instead, I'm at the sidelines, watching and being only sent in when necessary. I look around me and see ow many people are lucky to have another by their side. Someone to make them happy when they feel sad. I wish I had that capability, at least to her. I suppose the best I can be to her is a brother figure than anything else, but even with that role I feel I fail no matter what I do. I suppose what really hurts the most is when she asks my opinion about him. I don't know if she knows, nor do I care if she does, that when she asks me these questions I feel an incredible emotion of loss. As if something was taken from me and left a gaping hole never to be filled by anything else but what was taken. Interesting how I start to use literary mechanics in this blog when I should be studying diligently about said literary mechanics. I guess that's a sign of a bad student.
I don't know what it is about her. I try to accept and get over. But I suppose what draws me in is her innocent smile, even though I know the malcontent behind that smile. In all honesty, when I do get to gaze on that smile, a part of that emptiness fills in. But then I remember that her smiles are for someone else, and no other. Realizing the facts that I am no longer included in her memories of happiness. Instead, I am the memory that is swept underneath the rug, the memory that is kept in the back, never to be remembered again, to always be forgotten. In the end, I can't let go, no matter how hard I try. The memories will never cease.
I wonder when my chance will come? Maybe my chance has come many times, but I failed to see.
Aside from anything else, I wonder if I'll pass... I know I must, but I can't seem to get the lazy monkey off my back. I sit here in the library, munching on my lone rice crispy treat from the school cafeteria, just trying to go over all that we have talked about in English 120.
When will it end?
Ingats lagi...
My first...
Blog that is. Since most of my friends have been blogging using this site, I suppose I shall follow suit and become a blogger myself (despite having formerly used xanga and other forms of blogging). I guess there will be a lot of things that I will start writing in here, the majority will most likely be me crying my heart out and talking about my daily problems in life, so if you're one that doesn't enjoy these things this blog isn't for you to read.
I suppose this should be it for tonight, after all I have finals tomorrow afternoon and the next day in the morning and afternoon. Good night world, and to all of you who are special to me.
Ingats lagi.
I suppose this should be it for tonight, after all I have finals tomorrow afternoon and the next day in the morning and afternoon. Good night world, and to all of you who are special to me.
Ingats lagi.
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